Walking until the morning, watching TV shows for days in the company of sweets and alcohol, going to work, a random change of partners - examples of destructive ways of experiencing a breakup. They do not solve the problem, but mask negative feelings, dig deep. From the article you will learn how to properly experience parting with a loved one, so as not to go to extremes.
Features of male and female experiences
Men tend to hide and suppress experiences. Stereotypical thinking teaches us not to show emotions in people. Do not show if you do not want, but alone with yourself release feelings. Accept them within yourself in order to survive and never return to this. By the way, statistics claim that men are more painful at parting, although they do not give a view.
Girls are easier and faster to part with, because society does not condemn the manifestation of their feelings. A woman is allowed to gossip with her friend, cry, scream. She does not need to suppress emotions, which means that they pass faster.
Chemistry of love
Start the experience by understanding the chemistry of love. Love is hormones. It is generally accepted that oxytocin is a hormone of love, but in fact there are five participants:
- Dopamine - a hormone of mood, performance, physical and mental activity, commitment. He forces to develop and develop relationships, to seek the object of love. Dopamine is produced during sports and when eating fish, apples, bananas, green tea, eggs. So the time has come to improve your figure with proper nutrition and training.
- Serotonin is a hormone of pleasure. There are no general recipes - do what you love. Of the products you should pay attention to dairy products, turkey, strawberries.
- Oxytocin is an attachment hormone. In addition to love, its development is provided by affection and warm friendships, a sense of security. Products that cause the production of oxytocin - chocolate, avocado, bananas.
- Vasopressin is a hormone of tenderness and fidelity. It is developed during sex and is addictive to a partner. Just realize that your current state is hormonal adjustment.
- Endorphins are hormones of joy and happiness, euphoria. This is a natural drug of the body, an analogue of morphine. Where to find a new source of joy: cardio training, new experiences (exhibitions, cinema, excursions), laughter, music, chocolate, sunlight. Among the foodstuffs are chili peppers, avocados, potatoes, milk, and beets.
- Adrenaline is a stress hormone that allows you to do even the impossible for your loved one. This is an energy hormone, an engine. Adrenaline is in extreme sports or extreme entertainment. But it is dangerous. Yes, and the breakup period is stress in itself. So there is adrenaline. It is necessary to use this energy rationally.
How to psychologically competently survive a breakup
Recommendations on how to survive the breakup are the same for men and women. Parting is stress that does not care about gender differences. The internal resources of the body are equally tense and depleted. Without an adequate release of emotions, tension will accumulate and splash out.
- Mark the divorce. Organize a ritual farewell to a relationship. You can gather friends or do it alone. Visualize the relationship with some object, figures. Say goodbye to this stage. It will be easier for the brain to accept and process the fact when you experience it as much as possible. This method is the most popular in psychotherapy. Start with it.
- Let me go. Forbid yourself to pursue your beloved (beloved). Do not guard at the entrance, do not call or write, do not go to pages on social networks. If you are not bound by a business relationship, then remove this person.
- Do not lose self esteem. By catching up and pursuing you will humiliate yourself. As soon as you feel that you want to look at the page of a loved one - get distracted. Go in for sports, read, talk with a friend, but just don’t come in. This is a matter of willpower and getting rid of addiction. Naturally, both habit and addiction are developed in relationships. It’s hard only the first time.
- Avoid the role of the victim. It’s necessary to accept feelings. Speak your emotions, condition. Confess that you are suffering. Describe why it’s hard for you to say goodbye. There is no concept of a person as a whole. You yearn for one or more items. Specify them. Along with adoption, avoid the role of the victim. This is destructive thinking. What you don’t have to do: feel sorry for yourself, blame yourself, do nothing. Yes, you feel bad, but you have to move.
- Do not go to extremes, "zazhra", whining, binges. Keep your tone and vitality. Remember the main goals in life, priorities, guidelines. Avoid slavery - inadequate destructive attitude to life you endow with power and authority of the one who left.
- Get rid of longing. You are longing, and that's fine. Longing is a complex of negative experiences in response to the resulting void. Fill the emptiness that has arisen with something useful until it is filled with bad habits. Write down your abilities, interests and needs on a sheet. In the opposite column are the activities that correspond to them. Choose the best option at the present time by comparing current needs, interests and abilities. Get it right now. What can it be: continuing education courses, learning a foreign language, learning to play a musical instrument, losing weight, career growth, etc.
- Find another source of happiness. By and large, you miss yourself in the "clothes" of happiness, and not the person. Understanding, lightness, inspiration, cheerfulness - the main feelings and conditions that accompany love. Think about where you can get all this: hobbies, work, friends, hobbies, social activity, etc.
- Remember yourself. Relationships are work that takes time, effort, and particles of the inner self. The results are encouraging, but something has to be sacrificed often. What did you sacrifice? What do you have time and energy for now? What have you wanted to do for a long time? Ask yourself about it and create a personal growth plan. But please, do not grow in spite of the one who left. This is an effective but poor motivation. So you continue to live for this person, with thoughts about him, based on his preferences and values. Learn to live for your own benefit.
- Do not let self-esteem and self-confidence fall. Remind yourself of personal significance. Praise, compliment, talk about virtues. Do not blame yourself for breaking, do not insult yourself. Begin the morning with a declaration of self-love in front of the mirror, wishes for success and compliments.
- Avoid provocation by a former lover, do not become a toy. Do not let yourself be lured and drop again. Do not respond to jokes and rudeness. Follow the second item on the list - completely delete from life. Learn how to recognize and resist manipulation in the article “Manipulation: what it is and how to resist it. Types and techniques. "
If you really want to, set aside a day for parting, for tears in a pillow, ice cream and TV shows. But no more than a day! And just let it, feel the control. And the very next day, draw up and implement a plan for self-development, the implementation of their own desires. Go out, find new friends and love.
Do not dramatize, do not shout that you will never love again. Moreover, you have not experienced love. You had a love. Love is the product of many years of relationships, it is the highest feeling that is growing every year. If she arose, then can not pass. But falling in love for life can be about a hundred, or even more. So stop moping and think about how to find true love. Read about it in the article “How to attract love into your life”.
Step 1. Allow yourself to suffer
Yes exactly. The advice to “go to work”, “distract” and “forget about this idiot” will not help you now - any relationship needs to be mourned. You will not demand an instant recovery from a flu patient? So let yourself "cheer" plenty: lock yourself at home alone with a chocolate cake, be sad under Adele’s tear ballads, rummage on a friend’s shoulder. In order for the pain to subside, you must first accept and feel the pain. With one important condition: set a tight deadline, after which Adele's album will change something more cheerful, and you will move from tears and reflection to action.
Step 2. End the relationship
A heavy farewell took place, the dots over i were placed, you went to different apartments - and yet you are still connected by a lot of strings reminiscent of the old relationship and permanently drove into melancholy. The American psychologist Rachel Sassman, in his book on how to survive a breakup with a loved one, advises mercilessly getting rid of all such "anchors": delete SMS messages, unsubscribe from updates on social networks and even buy new bedding. And supporters of the esoteric approach strongly advise, firstly, to burn "artifacts" (there are real cases when girls burned wedding dresses - they say it helps), and secondly, return his gifts to his former lover, or at least sell or give them away.
Step 3. Blacklist it
Even if you are forced to communicate with a former lover, try for some time to completely stop all contact with him. Including mail and SMS. As the same Rachel Sassman states in her book “The Bible of Parting”, the best time will be a month - after this time you will develop “emotional immunity” and it will be much easier to communicate with an ex-boyfriend.
Step 4. Ask for help
Not necessarily a professional psychologist - although addressing him would be very helpful. Arrange a manicure evening with your friends, order pizza, watch a couple of fun films, go all together in karaoke or even, like Carrie Bradshaw after your failed wedding, on a trip - capturing your friends, of course. Finally, a support group can be found without leaving your home, among completely strangers: for example, a real girl from the USA named Katherine, who canceled her own wedding, created a blog about how to survive the breakup and called it SimplySolo. The site has become incredibly popular and has become for Katherine not only an outlet, but also a source of new acquaintances.
Step 5. Be Irresistible
The joke that the worse things are going on in a girl, the better she should look, as usual, only a fraction of the joke. Still, it’s more pleasant to feel sad with impeccable styling, fashionable make-up and (necessarily!) In new shoes. Well and, of course, do not forget the rule: go to any incomprehensible (read: unpleasant) situation. in gym. A good portion of endorphins will definitely not hurt you right now.
Step 6. Find sources of joy
To bake a cake according to a new recipe, learn how to weave braids, rearrange furniture in a room - pleasant emotions can be found even in small things. It will be even better if you have the opportunity to please someone else: sit with your child acquaintances, help your girlfriend with the repair, finally bring a bag of groceries for an elderly neighbor. Even small good deeds will allow you to be distracted and cheer up.
Step 7. Review the plans and goals.
When we are two, we make joint plans, choose common guidelines and make many compromises. Now, when the second variable has disappeared in the equation, it is time to revise it. The heroine of the sensational "Eat. Pray. Love ”in search of a true self has changed three countries - an option, of course, costly, but you can start small. Have you long dreamed of visiting Norway, but postponed this idea until later, since your lover did not recognize any other vacation than a beach? Or didn’t you dare to change your profession, because your boyfriend convinced you that banking was your calling? When you decide to go beyond the usual framework, you will be surprised to find that parting brings with it not only bitterness, but also freedom - and only you can decide how to dispose of it.
Hirst Shkulev Publishing
Moscow, st. Shabolovka, house 31b, 6th entrance (entrance from Horse Lane)
Why is there a separation?
Parting with a loved one always means that there were still problems in personal relationships. You need to analyze them, to understand what was missing for your partner and you. Maybe you stopped paying attention to each other, an intimate life is a burden to you, or even stopped dining together? In any case, you need to get to the bottom of the truth. Maybe a simple conversation will help you get everything back into place and become a happy couple again. Read the related article: “How to Refresh Relationships”
If not, then you always need to remember that if the separation occurred suddenly, after an emotional quarrel, then there is a high probability of reconciliation. You just calm down and talk calmly, perhaps realizing that you love each other very much.
If the separation took place calmly, without any cries and insults, the possibility of reconciliation is sharply reduced. The fact is that if a person is able to calmly discuss the possibility of parting, he is mentally ready and will not try to bring everything back.
If the breakup did happen, the first thing to do is to distract from negative thoughts, try to overcome your feelings and not try to return anything. This can be very difficult if the family has a child or former lovers - colleagues. Standing together will aggravate an already difficult situation and put pressure on both partners. Therefore, it is important to immediately try to find yourself another place of residence or work in order to stop tormenting yourself and your ex.
How to survive the breakup?
Often people face a problem - how to forget your love and how to survive a breakup. The future is presented in gray tones, in the sphere of personal relations only loneliness is seen. This often leads to neurosis and depression. They are afraid to let in a new person with whom they could be truly happy. In this case, the help of a psychotherapist may be necessary.
If the method of psychotherapy is not suitable for you, since you do not want to share your feelings and feelings with someone else, and everything is fine with you, then just tell your friend and find solace in her. No need to try to keep everything in yourself. This can greatly affect your nervous system.
Remember that if you want to talk to someone, never blame the ex for what happened. What was - was. Take this as a necessary lesson in life, it is still an invaluable experience, and you should take into account your mistakes in the following respects.
The main thing is not to lose faith in yourself and your future. It is also important to forgive yourself and your former lover, because if you continue to be offended, you cannot move on. In addition, the right of another person to one’s own life should be respected. No matter how they say in the proverbs, the husband and wife still remain completely different people.
When putting personal problems to another person don't feel sorry for yourself - so do infantile personalities. The point is zero. Nobody needs our tears and experiences, you won’t achieve anything with this, only you will waste your time ineptly. No, it's really worth crying, letting off steam, but you should not get depressed and assume that life is over.
If you are constantly with your ex-husband or lover, you do not need to hurt him, it is extremely undesirable to find out the relationship, pursue your lover, avenge the pain you have suffered. Do you love yourself? In addition, this method will not lead to anything other than stopping even friendly communication.
If you immediately rush to look for a new passion, it will not be able to help you in fact. You cannot immediately build relationships built on trust. It helps to survive a parting job or a change of scenery.
When a woman breaks up with her former lover, after some time, she begins to change. She can make a hairstyle that she would never have dared to dye or dye her hair crazy. All the ladies go through this. It is something like a step into a new life.
But always remember that from the outside it looks childish. The fact that you changed your hairstyle will not give you anything but surprise and censure of your former lover.
However, even if you are depressed due to a break, it’s important not to stop caring about your appearance. A cardinal change of image helps girls. It is worth remembering only that you yourself liked. Many help a new hobby. Remember what you always wanted to master. Maybe you would like to do strip plastic, but there was no time? The very moment to find him.
А может, вы всегда хотели ходить на кулинарные курсы, посетить многие страны, сделать себе татуировку, но в отношения мужчина не давал вам такую возможность. Самое время делать то, что хочется. Забудьте обо всем и просто начинайте жить заново, самосовершенствуйтесь. И тогда будущий ваш любимый человек обязательно найдет вас и сделает самой счастливой.
Всегда знайте, что жизнь – это и горе, и разочарование, и счастье. И после тяжелого периода обязательно придет белая полоса. Everything will work out, the main thing is to sincerely believe in it and not give up.
I hope these tips will help you, even if no one is near you in a difficult time of parting.
Believe in yourself and improve. This will help you on the road to happiness and no longer think about how to survive the breakup.