Doubts of any nature are as much a part of human nature as instincts and reflexes. Scientists are convinced: the baby begins to doubt before walking and talking. So nature made sure that people did not waste physical and mental resources. Asking ourselves the question “Am I doing the right thing?”, We stop the choice only on those decisions that are vital in this particular period of time. And if long thinking whether it is worth jumping from a bungee helps to avoid unreasonable risk, then in the sphere of personal relations, uncertainty and indecision become a factor that can significantly complicate life. Or miss the gift of fate.
A deeper consideration of the issue reveals that doubts about the existing relationship are most often caused by one of three reasons:
but) self-doubt. A happy personal life is impossible if one of the partners constantly doubts his own significance, is afraid to openly talk about his feelings and desires, is worried whether they will understand him correctly,
b) uncertainty in a partner. In this case, as a rule, the doubter already had a negative experience or observed the sadly ended relationship from the side,
at) self-confidence. A carefully thought-out image of a partner does not allow a person to establish any kind of long-term relationship, since every new applicant after a while suddenly finds himself the owner of flaws that do not fit into the ideal portrait of a loved one (oh).
Shyness, laziness, fears, guilt, complexes, not self-sufficiency, lack of awareness and even ambition - no matter what emotions and feelings serve as the basis of uncertainty, the main thing to remember: they can never fill family life with joy and happiness.
The true cause of uncertainty will help to find a qualified specialist and, perhaps, it will take quite a long time.
Do not tire of thanking
“Living with an attitude of gratitude, we can change a lot in the world.” Joe Vitale
We become more confident in ourselves and others when there are much more good moments in our life, according to our picky estimates, than unpleasant ones. But there is a small nuance: what we previously considered attractive, excellent, positive with time becomes completely mundane. And as a result, it seems to us that fate, not forgetting to throw trials, set out to keep us in the routine for the rest of our lives. But the law of "attraction" has not been canceled - everything that we focus on is starting to attract.
Shifting the focus from negative to positive is pretty easy. Start with the memories of the most pleasant moments of your life. And do not forget recent events, especially those that are now assigned the status of "neutral." Not so little happened, right?
The very interesting method “Gratitude Diary” will help to increase the effect many times. According to people who were not lazy to tell him, the "Diary ..." works wonders, and above all, in relationships. Every day they wrote down several thanks of three kinds in it: 1) life, 2) people, 3) themselves. And it turned out that you can thank for a lot of things: a stranger for giving his hand at the exit from the transport, a beloved for a morning cappuccino, fate for a beloved, himself for a report that the boss praised, and the boss for a good word.
Only a few days will pass, and you will notice how much other people do for you. This will help to focus not on the shortcomings of others, but on their merits. In addition, any support and assistance provided to you will cease to be taken for granted and quite ordinary. And most importantly - in your life there will no longer be a place for despondency and doubt, because you now know for sure: in this world there is a lot of joy, happiness and love, and you deserve it.
How to get rid of uncertainty
“Change yourself and everything around will change” Doubts in relationships most often arise when they (the relationship) do not want to lose. And if a loved one is dear to you - it means that not everything is lost, there is still a chance to fix everything and make life together more harmonious and joyful. But you need to start with yourself.
We look to the future. Sometimes the question of preserving relations reaches the stage of "to be or not to be?" Take the option of "be" and imagine what will happen to you in the development of events in this direction in an hour, in a month, in a year, and in 10 years? Now decide what will happen if you choose the option "not to be." Based on the pictures drawn by the imagination and the feelings experienced at the same time, make the right choice.
Compliments are a great power.Learn how to properly accept compliments. Leave in the past the answers “yes, just lucky” and “I seem to be slim in heels.” A light smile and thanks would be enough. And, of course, compliment yourself. It’s easy for you, but for others, raise your mood and self-esteem.
Estimates aside.Do not give out “deuces” and “triples” to both those around you and yourself. This is just an extra waste of time and “sticking” to the negative. And especially do not compare yourself and others. Each is unique, each has virtues for which loved ones love it. And yet - stop imagining that others only do what they value you. Believe me, they have full of their worries. And remember - there are no perfect people.
We take dignity into the light. Make a list of your successes and positive traits. Now make the exact same dossier for your loved one. Look at them often and do not forget to supplement them.
Thank you partner. For everything that gives, does, gives. After all, there is something for that! And don't be afraid to overdo it. As the French moralist Jean de Labruyère said, "There is no finer thing in the world more than gratitude."
Try on a mask.Temporarily. Then throw it away as unnecessary. So, if you have a sample of a confident person, then try to act and talk like him. The second option: remember the cases when you behaved very convincingly. What and how did they say at the same time, how they looked, moved, felt? After all, it was, you can! Fix this state, feel, and live - confidently and freely.
Indian guru, founder of the International Association of Universal Human Values and the International Organization of the Art of Living Sri Sri Ravi Shankar:
- You know, doubt always arises regarding something positive. You always doubt the honesty of a person, and never doubt the dishonesty of a person. When someone tells you, “I love you,” you ask, “Really?” And when someone tells you, “I hate you,” you never ask them, “Really?” Are you not sure your happiness. When someone asks us if we are happy, we reply: “Well, I'm not sure.” But we are so confident in our depression. We never doubt our weakness, we always doubt our strength. If you observe, then all the beautiful things, such as love, happiness, honesty, and sincerity are always questioned. So, any doubt is a good sign.
1. Stop trying to read minds
Most relationship problems and their associated anxieties begin with poor communication, which leads to an attempt to read minds. Reading thoughts occurs when two people assume that they know what the other thinks. When someone tries to guess what another is thinking, this is a quick way to create feelings of insecurity and stress.
When one person says one thing, one does not have to assume that he means something completely different. If he does not say anything at all, one does not need to think that silence has some kind of hidden, negative connotation. Do not make people in your life try to read your mind. Say what you think and think what you say. Give people the information they need.
It is important to remember that you cannot assume and know every little thing that happens in the minds of other people, even the people closest to you. When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy. Everyone deserves the right to think their thoughts. If you constantly ask: “What are you thinking about?” You can provoke a person to terminate relations in order to maintain his right to free space.
2. Stop looking for the perfect relationship
You will spend your whole life looking for the right love and the right friends, or if you expect them to be perfect. Even worse, it can drive you crazy, you will feel more and more insecure with every failed attempt at a relationship that does not match your dream of perfection.
We are all looking for a special relationship that will be perfect for us. But if you have experienced enough relationships, you begin to understand that there are no "perfect people." This is because we are all not ideal in some way.
It will take life experience to fully outgrow yourself and solve your own shortcomings, those that really determine who you are and those through which you can create harmonious relationships. Only then will you finally know what you are looking for.
3. Do not judge current relationships based on previous experience
Remember when you judged people because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you badly. Unfortunately, some people make decisions that way throughout their long-term relationship. Just because they were once in a relationship with someone who insulted, was dishonest, or left them.
If you build new relationships from the old bricks of your failed past relationships, you will build exactly the same destructive relationships that previously fell apart. If you suspect that you are unfairly comparing your current relationship with negative ones from the past, take a moment and consciously think about the qualities of the old relationship, and then think about the current relationship and that they are fundamentally different. This short exercise will help you throw away the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not an indication of current opportunities.
4. Do not invent problems that do not exist
Inventing problems in our heads, and then considering them to be real, we can lead ourselves to our own failure. Too often, we scare ourselves with alarming predictions and negative thoughts, and ultimately live in illusions about the worst-case scenarios of our lives. We miss everything except the simple, frank truth.
When you think up problems, your relationship suffers in the long run. Insecurity is often the cause. If you doubt yourself and you do not understand your own value, you will find every opportunity to let others take care of you, and you will be left with a feeling of insecurity that will push you down.
Uncertain passenger does not trust anyone. They think that the driver is not attentive. Or they may fantasize that small driver jumps on the road are a sign of death.
You must understand that in any relationship there are ups and downs, mood changes, moments of love and closeness, moments of friction. These ups and downs are normal.
Next time, catch yourself thinking while emphasizing your problems that don't exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath. Tell yourself: “This problem exists only in my mind.” The ability to discern what you think of yourself and what actually happens in your life is an important step towards self-confidence.
5. Stop focusing on negativity
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even if it now seems perfect, they will not always be so. Imperfection is real and beautiful. The quality of happiness of two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, as well as inversely to their intolerance and expectations. This is when two people accept and deal with their imperfections in relationships that make him ideal.
Of course, this does not mean that you should accept everyone in your life who is ready to accept you, even if they are clearly not for you. This does not mean that if you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, you should not conclude that all relationships are bad, and assume that they need to end, or so everything is hopeless that the other person questions your intentions.
Difficulties will always be, but you should concentrate on the positive. Insecure people are constantly looking for signs that does not work in their relationship. What you need to do is look for signs of what is.
Pay attention to the strong qualities of your partner or partner, cheer for them and their victories, and also encourage their goals and ambitions. Let them be better than he really is. Every day, consider how amazing they are.
What kind of relationship problems do you struggle with? Have you turned to a psychologist or sexologist? When it comes to your relationship, what makes you feel insecure? Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.
(WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF, transfer WORLD LISOVSKAYA)
Stage of doubt in the relationship. Five stages of a relationship before marriage
It is known that men and women are attracted to each other in different ways, i.e. the qualities of a woman who attract men, and the masculine qualities attractive to women are different. The Vedas say that the relationship between a man and a woman from the dating stage to the wedding, ideally, to create a strong and happy marriage, should go through five stages - the attraction stage, the stage of uncertainty, the stage of desire to be the only one, the stage of emotional closeness and the stage of engagement . Let's consider each of them in detail.
The first stage is attraction.
When a man meets a woman he likes, the first feeling that arises in him (like all the women he likes) is physical attraction. This is the “runway” for a man to be attracted to a woman’s body. You can argue, refute, appeal to the mind of a man, but nothing can be done about it. Attraction to a woman you like for a man is part of his nature.
But the woman’s psyche is so arranged that when she enters into a relationship with a man, from the very first meetings and dates, she begins to become attached and carried away by the man. For a woman, the first is intelligence, the character of a man. If she fell in love, and, at first glance, this means that she just thought up everything about a man. The Vedas say that the next thing a woman should do in a situation where she literally “saw and fell in love” is to close her eyes and ears and run away from this place. Because the very first step to failure is when a woman believes that without going through all the necessary stages of the relationship on the way to the long-awaited ending (wedding), she can immediately recognize her man, her future husband.
The second stage of rapprochement is uncertainty.
It seems that when you are already attracted to man, then, probably, you should be attracted once and for all. However, soon after the first attraction, cooling and alienation sets in, and this is more characteristic of men. First, "Wow!" - And you seek a woman, sweeping away all obstacles. But as soon as the first victories are achieved, a man can feel like a complete idiot, thinking: “In general, I don’t even want to call her. Yesterday I molested there, searched, asked friends, persuaded .... ". But as soon as she agreed, interest fell. This is one of the most difficult conditions for a man, and the truth here is that this man has to wait out this phase of doubt, continuing to care for the woman. And the woman at this stage, when she sees that the man suddenly began to “disappear”, do not panic, call, yank and ask: “How do you feel about me?”, This is the worst thing a woman can do at this stage of the relationship . Uncertainty is because of uncertainty because he himself does not know how he relates. Therefore, men doubt, and it is very important for a woman to wait out at this stage, “not to strain” and to feel calm. In the male psyche there is such an amazing mechanism: the man becomes more attached to a woman, the more she lets him move away from herself. The man moves away - this is in his psyche - to solve some of his problems, and then with greater force he is even closer to the woman. Then he moves away again and the next time he feels even more affection. This is the stage when the first estrangement takes place, in order to really feel if I am not losing myself, maybe a loved one, and come to a decision to continue the relationship. Usually women spoil basically everything because they do not give in to doubt, starting to ask: "How do you feel about me?", Etc. Many marriages concluded ahead of time remain in this stage of uncertainty, when both the man and the woman doubt whether this person is to live with him all his life.
The third stage of the relationship is the desire to be unique.
The next is the desire to be the one or only. Речь не идет о том, что на этом этапе люди должны сразу же стать мужем и женой или вступить в близкие отношения. На этой стадии люди понимают, что просто не хочется больше ни с кем общаться. If a man went through the stage of doubt correctly (and right - that means the woman didn’t interfere with her hasty calls, or vice versa, when he finally called and she didn’t “punish” him, asking where he was and why he didn’t call), then he has a desire to build relationships only with this woman and he can stop all other relationships and tune in to one woman.
The fourth stage of the relationship is emotional closeness.
The fourth stage is the stage of spiritual closeness, when people feel that they can open each other more and let a person into their heart.
When a woman sees a man 3-4 times a month, on weekends - on Saturday and Sunday, it’s very easy to hide a lot about herself, which is in her character and behavior. Intimate closeness means that people enter so deeply into each other’s hearts that they are confronted with what’s in the heart with the “reverse side of the coin”. We learn about each other is not the best - that, perhaps, would prefer that would never know a loved one. If a woman cannot open herself and become herself that way, that is, manifest herself naturally, including, then this is not the same man or this is not the stage of the relationship. If for a long time a woman struggles to be good, not to show bad moods, in no case to show her tantrums, she pities the man, protects and looks good in his eyes, this means she is slowly destroying this relationship herself. The suppression of emotions and sincerity means that a woman does not trust this man (which means that this is not the same man) and that she does not value this relationship, because this relationship will be destroyed precisely because she tries her best to be good. The Vedas say that the suppression of emotions leads to the accumulation and explosion of emotions, or to their uncontrolled movement and the destruction of health, psyche and relationships.
It is such an order of development of relations leading to real intimacy that is necessary for a strong union. And do not be confused. At stages 2 and 3, it is very important to show yourself from the best side. This is one of the problems - that we often force relationships and somehow try to open immediately. Both women and men sin this. Women say: "I will not play, I want him to know right away: such as I am." This tactic is incorrect and leads to a violation of the principles of "love marketing." Therefore, spiritual closeness primarily means surprises and the ability to become absolutely oneself. And this is a joyful phase, because we can be ourselves. If we become ourselves earlier than this time, then this most often creates tension and leads to disappointment.
The fifth stage of the relationship is the engagement.
And the last stage is the engagement, i.e. stage of the relationship that precedes marriage.
Those. this is not a marriage, because at this stage, people can still part. The most beautiful parting scenario at this stage is to say: “I love you very much, you are very close to me, but not so much as to live with you all your life.” This is a very important phrase. Because we have a strange picture in our heads that if we fell in love with someone, then God forbid now, if we part with this person or say that we need to part. We can love many people, but, unfortunately, there are very few people with whom we can live our whole lives on the planet. This is a very complex scenario, but it is very healthy and happy, and helps a person find an even better relationship.
Passing through all stages of the relationship, a person has a chance to determine whether this person is closest to him. And in the process, while he is thinking and looking closely, he will also feel great love for him. This is the plus, if relations are built, how to say, giving a chance in time of this energy - the energy of love - to rise above.