I didn’t even attend the funeral - I didn’t want to see my friend dead. Feeling as if he had gone somewhere, although I realize that we will never see each other again. He was several years older, helped, prompted, restrained from rash acts. Sometimes we mimicked him, made fun of him, but respected him for not maliciousness and sincerity. He sat on the couch and watched TV. They found him like that, worried about why he hadn’t gone out all day — his heart stopped suddenly.
By myself, I know the situation is very difficult, but the most important thing now is to realize that life has not ended there and you need to move on and do not get hung up on this. Yes, unfortunately, such a life, there will still be a lot of good and bad people who will leave without a trace. But as they say, a person is alive as long as we remember him, therefore leave only the brightest memories, because for sure he wished you a good and happy life and would not really want you to wallow in grief. I’m in difficult situations, when it seems that despair has come too close, I feel the support of the departed loved ones, I close my eyes and see how they would react and you know it makes me pull myself together and fight on. So let it be better to get sick now, but let go and move on!
Ohhhh. R.I.P., my condolences, as it is familiar, unfortunately. Only time heals, no matter how trite it sounds.
I can’t imagine how it can be experienced at all. I lost my only friend on January 7, 2015. This is an irreplaceable loss for me. We have been friends for seven years. I have my own family, but he was to us as a member of the family. He could spend the night with us, always rested together, walked. I could call him at any time of the day, even for five minutes. He could come at two in the morning, if I ask. And then his death. He was like a brother to me. What to do now, whom to call when you want. Now I don’t have such a person who would listen to me at any moment and give advice. He was always positive, he could always cheer up. I still can’t delete his phone number. I miss him so much. I understand that we need to live on, that time heals. But I miss him so much. I am sorry for you .. There is nothing worse than losing a loved one.
1. Recognize the loss
How to put up with the death of a loved one? To survive the loss, you must admit that it happened. At first, a man on a machine gun tries to make contact with the deceased - “sees” him among people in the crowd, mechanically tries to reach him, buys his favorite products in a supermarket.
In the usual scenario, this behavior is naturally replaced by actions that deny a far-fetched connection with the deceased. A person who performs actions similar to those noted above, normally cut shorts and thinks: "Why am I doing this, because he (she) is no more."
For all the apparent oddity, such behavior is normal in the first weeks after loss. If the irrational hope for the return of the deceased takes on a stable character - this is a sign that a person cannot cope with grief.
Give yourself time to get used to the loss.
2. Relive the pain of loss
How to accept the death of a loved one? It is necessary to survive difficult feelings so as not to carry this burden through life. If you do not immediately experience the pain, then returning to these experiences will be more difficult and painful. The delayed experience is further complicated by the fact that it will then be more difficult for the grieving person to obtain the sympathy and support of others, on which he can count on immediately after the loss.
Sometimes, despite all the intolerance of pain and suffering, the grieving person clings to them (often unknowingly), as for the last connection with the deceased and the opportunity to express his love to him. Here the following distorting logic works: stopping suffering means reconciling, reconciling means forgetting, forgetting means betraying. Such an irrational understanding of love for the dead does not accept loss.
Performing this task often inhibits the reactions of other people. When faced with negative feelings and severe pain of a grieving person, others may experience tension, which they try to reduce by providing not always the right help:
- switch attention (“get together, think about the children”, “you have to take care of your mother”)
- try to immediately take something grieving in order to distract from experiences
- forbidden to talk about the dead ("do not disturb him, he is already in heaven")
- discount the uniqueness of what happened (“we will all be there”, “not you first and not you last”)
Allow yourself to feel pain and loss, give free rein to tears. Avoid people who prevent you from experiencing loss.
3. Reorganize life and surroundings
Together with a loved one, a person loses a certain lifestyle. The deceased took on responsibilities, helped in everyday life, expected a certain behavior from us. It is necessary to rebuild life in order to fill the void. For this, it is important for the grieving person to learn to do what the deceased did for him, to receive this help from others, and, possibly, to continue his work, if it is to his liking.
How to cope with the death of a loved one if you were connected in the closest way? If the deceased did everything around the house, choose the best option - hire a person to clean or learn the simplest actions yourself. If you have lost the spouse and mother of your children, take the organization of a comfortable family life onto you, ask for help from relatives, or hire a nanny. In the same way, mothers, if they lose their spouse, can, for example, master driving and take their husband’s place at the wheel to take their children to school and to sections.
This may sound cynical, but sometimes the loss of a loved one has advantages. For example, a mother-dependent girl said: “Mom died, and I began to live. She did not allow me to become an adult, and now I can build my life as I want. I like it". An adult has finally begun to manage his life. Agree that not all "adults" can boast of this.
It is good if the time that is freed is occupied with satisfying the true needs of the grieving person, filling his life with joy and meaning. This can be new or forgotten hobbies, communication with friends close or distant due to loss of friends, searching for yourself and your place in a new life.
It is important to rebuild life and your life in such a way as to minimize the feeling of emptiness.
4. Build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live.
A new attitude towards the deceased does not imply his oblivion; it defines a place for him, taking which he will leave enough space for others. This is reflected in an illustration of the thought of William Vorden describing a letter from a girl who lost her father and wrote to her mother from college: “There are other people you can love. This does not mean that I love my father less. "
Old relationships can be very valuable, but they should not impede new ones. How to help survive the death of a loved one: to build a new attitude - a person must realize that the death of a loved one does not contradict love for another man or another woman, that you can honor the memory of a friend, but be friends with new people.
Separately, it is necessary to stipulate the death of the child. Often, parents are in a hurry to decide to give birth to a new child, not having time to fully survive and accept the loss of the former. Such a solution is not so much a movement towards a new life as a denial of the irreversibility of losing the old (unresolved first task). They unconsciously want to re-give birth to a dead child, to return everything as it was. But only after experiencing the loss completely, mourning the deceased and aligning his emotional attitude towards his death, it is worth thinking about a new child. Otherwise, the parents will not be able to build a genuine relationship with him and will unconsciously try on him the idealized image of the deceased. It is clear that this comparison will not be in favor of the living.
Surviving the loss does not mean forgetting the deceased.
When to seek help
If you get stuck on the performance of any of the tasks described, if it is impossible to reconcile with the loss and learn new experiences, the work of grief can become pathological. It is necessary to distinguish between the normal work of grief from the manifestations of clinical depression, which requires medical intervention and psychological assistance (on average, every fifth grieving subject to it). Among the symptoms of serious depression, when help is required, it is customary to distinguish:
- continuous reflection on the hopelessness of the situation, despair
- obsessive thoughts about suicide or death
- denial or misrepresentation of loss
- uncontrolled or excessive crying
- inhibited physical reactions and responses
- extreme weight loss
- constant inability to perform basic household tasks
Soreness of symptoms is determined not so much by their content as by duration, severity and consequences: how much they interfere with a person's life and contribute to the development of concomitant diseases. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult for a non-specialist to distinguish the normal course of grief from its pathological form. If you suspect, do not postpone the visit to a psychologist or psychotherapist.