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How to build trust, find friendship and find love

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How can one deal with a person who cannot be trusted? If there is no axis in the wagon, how can you ride in it? Confucius (Kun-Tzu) Often we hear from friends or even from a psychologist that relations with a man must certainly be built on trust, and it is difficult to disagree with this. Trust is a feeling of complete calm, the absence of any doubt. The full naturalness of the relationship. Trust is an open relationship built on confidence in the decency, friendliness of another person towards you. Trust knows no doubt, where doubt begins, trust dies.

Indeed, trust is the main component of harmonious relations, but where to get this very component? How to learn to trust each other?

In the new Passion.ru article, we will talk about trust in relationships, about how it is formed and what can be done to increase the degree of trust in a couple.

How is trust formed?

Confidence in a pair: what is it?

Trust each other

At the very beginning of a relationship, problems with trust usually not. After all, initially, letting someone in and entering into a relationship, we give this person a certain credit of trust.

By the way, perhaps this is why it becomes more and more difficult to fall in love with age: we have accumulated a certain experience of relationships, and often we are not so easily letting new people in to us (although there are, of course, exceptions!).

Sometimes this unwillingness to trust and, as a result, let someone into your life becomes the true reason loneliness although a person may attribute this to a lack of suitable partners.

But be that as it may, the initial trust established during the period of falling in love is not eternal. Over time, as the relationship becomes new, we will seriously begin to study the partner and find out how much he trusts.

Indeed, during the candy-bouquet period, both man and woman behave a little differently and try to seem better than they really are. When it ends, we again become ourselves, all our previous experience, which largely determines our perception of relationships, floats to the surface.

This is a very important period when you can build a truly trusting relationship, but often our past experience disturbs us. Having burnt once, we no longer want to feel pain, although we understand that without a certain degree of risk, a full life and a full relationship are impossible.

This is precisely what is said in the popular aphorism "Love as if you had never been hurt."

Why is trusting each other so important? We can say that trust is like a prism through which we look at our beloved. If the degree of trust is high, then we tend to interpret his actions from the best side and do not look for a double meaning in them.

If there is no trust, then even the most innocent things can be perceived as a sign treason like indifference, like an attempt to offend, etc. But just taking and deciding that from today, for example, you will trust and stop secretly reading your husband's SMS and email will not work.

Trust is what it takes time, and sometimes also effort. Let's try to figure out what affects our ability and willingness to trust a loved one.

Learning to trust each other

Trust: how it is formed

Trust each other

On forums, you can often find posts in the spirit of “Today I got into my husband’s phone, and there, some Zhanna writes to him that she will not be able to have dinner with him. Girls, what to do? ”Indeed, what to do? What if this Jeanne is her husband’s lover?

True, with the same success, she can be a colleague. It all depends, as we have said, on trust, that is, on the very prism through which we look at the situation and at the person.

Although the fact that a person did not hesitate to get into another person’s personal correspondence (even the closest one) already indicates that the prism was somewhat ... dusty. But do not immediately blame the woman.

In fact, the ability and willingness to trust depend on many factors - this is the relationship of the parents, and the environment, and past experience ...

For example, how close psychologically you let your other half reach you is largely determined by what kind of relationship your parents had and how much they showed trust in each other.

If stealth or regular interrogations in the spirit of “Where were you (a) and with whom” were the norm, then there is a chance that you will unknowingly transfer the same model of relationships to your marriage.

Moreover, your half may have a completely opposite idea of ​​what degree of trust should be between spouses, to what extent a woman should participate in the affairs of a man, and what are the boundaries of what is allowed in the behavior of the spouses.

Of course, sometimes already on first date it’s clear that you are not on the way with a certain person, but most often such things are clarified just in the “post-candy” period or already in marriage.

Another important factor is the environment, and it is not just about friends or relatives. This includes the information environment, the media space, which, in turn, also forms our understanding of what relations should be.

You may agree that in modern society a slightly perverse understanding of relationships has developed. The ideal became sexual liberation and emotional independence, and people who build marriage on mutual respect and trust and are faithful to each other, are considered almost hypocrites.

In addition, a fashion for free relations has appeared, and in theory it probably looks great, but in reality it often turns out that one is happy and openly enjoys freedom, while the other silently suffers out of love for a partner and tries to put up with it.

It turns out some kind of game of trust: on the one hand, no secrets, on the other - the lack of genuine intimacy and, which is also important, the belief that a loved one will not cause pain (after all, by changing, he causes it regularly).

Also on the formation of the "prism of trust" and self-esteem partners. Obviously, the lower a person evaluates himself, the less confident he will feel in a relationship.

Perhaps this is some kind of childhood trauma, due to which a person has a strong conviction that he is not worthy of love and cannot be the only one for someone. Often this is precisely what is behind the manic need to control a partner, read his SMS and email, and arrange various checks.

Thus, it turns out that trust and the degree of emotional closeness in a couple depend not only on how much you love and how much you want to trust.

Relationship Psychology: Learning to Trust!

Trust each other

If you feel that you are not as close to your partner as you would like, then this is primarily an occasion to understand yourself. But you should not go to extremes and take ALL responsibility, because relationships are a MUTUAL action, and two always participate in them.

This is commonplace, but it is important to remember this and not constantly torment myself with the questions “Well, what am I doing wrong?”, And also not try to artificially build relationships according to some kind of my own template.

It is difficult to derive some general rules for all situations at once, because in each pair everything is very individual, and, as we have shown, completely different things can affect the degree of trust.

To begin with, you can try to analyze and understand what exactly prevents you from fully trusting your partner. Is there really real reason for this, or are your suspicions more related to some past negative experiences?

Yes, of course, sometimes suspicions are justified, but this is not a reason for prevention to suspect everyone and everything. To trust means to risk opening oneself, to become more defenseless, and, perhaps, this is the only way to achieve true intimacy.

The degree of mutual understanding is largely influenced by how well you understand each other's emotions. After all, the same behavior can be interpreted in completely different ways, so sometimes you need to pronounce your emotions and unobtrusively ask your partner to do the same.

For example, if you are asked, “Are you in a bad mood?” Something happened, ”the worst answer is“ Yes, everything is fine. ” If you are worried trouble at work then tell us about it (without going into details), do not keep it to yourself, making your partner think that it’s his fault in your bad mood.

Of course, it often happens that it is a man who shrugs off the phrase "Yes, everything is fine," and in such a situation there is no need to press. All that can be done is to show that you are at any moment ready to listen and accept it without condemning it.

You also need to remember that trust is not absolute and total interpenetration in each other's life. It’s not necessary to tell absolutely everything about, for example, your relationship with mother and turn your revelations into nagging. Such "trust" will only ruin the relationship.

In addition, no matter how close you are, both you and your loved one should have a private space, and you should not forcefully try to invade it. Yes, there are couples where the two are so open to each other that they can trust each other with ICQ passwords.

This is great, but that does not mean that you should have exactly the same. Each pair has a different ideal distance. It is important that she is comfortable for both.

And how much do you trust your partner?

1. Look into the eyes

A short look in the eyes for 1-2 seconds creates a favorable impression of you. Choose the person to whom you want to send a friendly signal and look him in the eye. Do not look for a long time, it will be perceived as aggression and intrusion into a person’s personal space. Finish eye contact with a light smile. If they answered the same to you, it means you liked them and the person will be glad to continue communication.

2. Engage eyebrows

To enhance the impact of short eye contact, add a friendly eyebrow play. Our brain subconsciously recognizes this instant raising of eyebrows and we send the same response signal. Try to observe people yourself at the time of greeting and further communication. Many people do not realize how they themselves make this gesture, and do not notice how other people do it, because it is almost always performed mechanically and unconsciously.

3. Smile with your eyes

A smiling person seems prettier, friendlier and more credible. But if you smile only with your lips, your smile will look fake. But if you smile only with your eyes, even without lips, you will look very charming. Wrinkles around the eyes are clear signs of a real smile. Examine yourself in the mirror, how much your smile looks natural.

4. Look at a person when listening

It is best to let the other person know that you are listening carefully to him, maintaining constant eye contact with him. The one who speaks always notices when they are not listening. It is not necessary to constantly look into the eyes of the interlocutor. It is enough to do this two-thirds or three-quarters of the time during which he speaks. This is quite enough to achieve mutual understanding and to convince a person that you really are interested in what he tells.

5. Listen actively

Here are some tips on how to make active listening more effective. Always allow your partner to express their thoughts to the end before you start talking yourself. Do not consider your answer while your partner is speaking. Listen to his words, not your thoughts. If the person you are talking to is introvert and uncomfortable because of the need to speak, cheer him up with a nod of his head or words of support. Be prepared to compliment a successful statement or suggestion. If you hear something that you don’t like, with which you disagree, don’t immediately sweep away and do not immediately go on the defensive. Ponder the words of the interlocutor to assess whether they have rational grain. Perhaps a compromise will suit both sides.

6. Tilt your head while chatting.

By tilting your head to the left or right while communicating, you send a friendly signal. At the moment of tilting the head, a person exposes the carotid artery on the neck. Rupture of one of them, as a rule, leads to death. In a life-threatening situation, people instinctively hide the carotid arteries, pulling their heads into the shoulders. Conversely, a person opens his neck in a situation of security and trust. That’s why, people who bow their heads while communicating seem friendlier, more honest, and more open-minded than those who keep their heads straight.

7. Use the law of a rocky road

If two people did not like each other at once, but mutual sympathy nevertheless came to them later, then, as a rule, they are bound by stronger bonds than those that arise with love at first sight. For example, if you are appointed a new boss, do not rush to meet him with open arms. Stay cool while portraying neutrality. And as you meet send more and more positive non-verbal signals. And only after a few weeks, say that he is an excellent leader with excellent managerial skills. Between you will establish a closer relationship than would be possible, you recognize it immediately.

8. Take advantage of the beneficial effects of endorphins.

During exercise, endorphins are produced in the human body. These hormones cause a surge of vigor and joy. You can apply this knowledge to please the person of interest to you. Let's say you want to go out with someone. Adjust the “casual” encounter while playing sports or immediately after. You don’t even have to say something. The mere presence in the field of vision at the time of increasing levels of endorphins increases your attractiveness and chance of a date.

9. Do not say please

What do you usually answer when someone thanks you for the service? Next time, instead of “Please,” say, “I’m sure you would do the same.” Such an answer is a hidden compliment that enhances the interlocutor in his own eyes. Now the person will be located to provide you a service when you ask for it.

10. Make compassionate remarks.

This is one of the most effective ways to help a person rise in his own eyes. It is useful to start any sympathetic statement with the words "So, then you ...". Such sympathetic statements as “It looks like you had a bad day today” or “So you liked how things were going today” let people know that they have been listened carefully and taken care of, at least in words about them. This kind of attention increases self-esteem and, more importantly, makes us feel better about the person who has bestowed this attention on us.

12. Remove obstacles

Mutual trust and understanding can be judged by whether a person erects or removes barriers from things between himself and the interlocutor. People who are not happy with communication usually erect obstacles in order to somehow isolate themselves from the interlocutor - they lay out a telephone, a book on the table, fenced off the menu and other items. Please note that arms crossed on the chest may also be a barrier. Those who are sincerely glad to communicate will remove these barriers - move menus, vases and circles to the edge of the table to make the space open. Sometimes this happens unconsciously.

14. Take care and attention.

Make the person feel appreciated. Praise a person for any good deed, for example, for conscientious work done or social achievements. Do not forget to mention even such a trifle as buying dessert in a bakery on the way home. Praise should not be self-serving, but deserved and sincere. Never forget about significant dates and events for a person: birthdays, anniversaries and more. If necessary, express your gratitude publicly, so that colleagues, acquaintances and friends learn about the achievements of the person. Even introverts enjoy public praise if it is expressed tactfully and without excessive fanfare.

Think for a moment about everyone you have known for a long time: relatives, friends, colleagues, and mentors. Which of these people do you value above others whose desires are always ready to fulfill? Most likely, such a person will be the one who cares about you, the one who cares about you. Caring allows you to achieve a truly highest level of relationships.

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Read on: Relationship Psychology: The Art of Trusting Each Other