Some people suffer from the fact that they are very difficult to communicate, especially with strangers and unfamiliar people. Once in a society of strangers to them, they begin to feel discomfort, lose their sense of confidence. They are constantly tense and afraid to seem funny to others. They are haunted by the fear that they will say something wrong or wrong, seem ridiculous to their interlocutors. This makes them constantly remain in the shadows, avoid any conversations, and if they talk with someone from others, then their communication is reduced to the exchange of the most concise phrases.
It goes without saying that people who communicate in this way are not loved by people around, because they are considered arrogant and arrogant, and people do not like to communicate with those who put themselves higher. Unfortunately, they do not understand that the whole matter is not in arrogance, but in ordinary isolation and inability to communicate.
How to stop being closed? To begin with, you should know that such qualities as shyness or isolation are not vices in themselves, and they do not carry any negative in themselves. Moreover, in some life situations, these qualities can be considered positive. However, in cases where isolation is manifested in its extreme forms, it can begin to cause harm to humans, which means that it is necessary to fight it.
In order to overcome your isolation, try to use the methods of auto-suggestion and auto-training. Constantly tell yourself that the people around you are just like you. Perhaps they surpass you in some of their qualities, but in some others you are better than them. They do not follow you and do not hope to use your very first mistake to make fun of you. If you start a conversation with them, then nothing terrible will happen either. Feel free to ask them your questions, because the worst thing that can happen is that they simply won’t give you an answer. But you will not suffer in any way!
Study the work of psychologists who have studied communication problems. Most likely in them you will be able to gather a lot of useful information that will help you learn about how to stop being closed and shy.
Another recommendation for those in whom the process of communication causes certain difficulties is to "treat the like with like." This refers to the fact that if you have a fear of communication, then do not become confined to yourself, but rather, start talking as much as possible, this will help your consciousness to make sure that your fears of communication do not have any basis. Communicate with anyone and on any topic: with sellers in stores, drivers of minibuses, neighbors on the site, companions who have met you by chance. The task that you must first solve for yourself is to make sure that communication is easy. Once you realize this, conversations with strangers will no longer be a burden that darkens your life.
To get rid of embarrassment or stiffness, you can use effective techniques that many people use in practice. Firstly, once in a new team for you, try to immediately find in it smaller structural units. Secondly, observe what exactly is discussed in each of these microgroups. Thirdly, if you think that the topic of the conversation is clear to you, familiar and close, and you won’t be mistaken in saying any words, try to take part in the conversation.
Solving the problem of having how to stop being closed you should also begin to pay more attention to your appearance. Even if your clothes will not belong to expensive and fashion brands, but it will be neat, you can attract others around you.
The main advice is that you should master the science of how it is easier to look at people and events around you, and do not be afraid of mistakes - you are a person, and all people have the right to make a mistake.
How to determine isolation
Open, sociable people are called extroverts, their opposite is introverts. The latter often live in harmony with themselves and do not worry because of their isolation - they are comfortable in solitude. But this is far from always the case: the characteristics of behavior and character bring a lot of inconvenience to uncommunicative people. If a person is uncomfortable with being what he is, psychological problems arise. To get rid of them requires serious work on yourself.
How is closure manifested? Uncommunicative person:
- hardly expresses feelings and thoughts,
- can't defend his point of view,
- experiencing difficulties in understanding others and empathizing with them,
- can't make new friends,
- afraid to offend the interlocutor or to be misunderstood.
Difficulties in interacting with others
Closed people often make the wrong impression. This is inconvenient when interviewing for a job and meeting new people. Lack of a smile and monosyllabic answers are perceived as a reluctance to communicate, while often we are talking about inability. A quiet, uncommunicative person would like to show himself on the other hand, but he does not possess the necessary skills: he does not know how to talk about trifles, does not have time to respond to a joke, or does not understand at all that the interlocutor is ironic.
Unsociable people find it difficult to make friends. It’s good if you have a childhood friend who accepts you for who you are. But making new friends becomes difficult: how to open up to strangers if you are not used to doing this? Introverts are silent in the new company, fearing to say something inappropriate or fearing that their story will seem uninteresting.
People with communication difficulties find it difficult to find their soul mate. All around meet, fall in love and get married, and you are left alone? Modesty, secrecy, inability to win over someone you like, makes you literally invisible to the subject of adoration. You can persuade yourself for a long time that you need to take the first step, but do not dare to take it - for fear of being misunderstood, ridiculed, etc.
These situations bring a lot of frustration and pain. It’s not your fault that you were born or became so — isolation and lack of sociability have a lot of reasons.
Think less critical of yourself
Do not assume that everyone around is waiting for your mistake. By nature, people are rather selfish, not in the bad sense of the word. They just pay more attention to themselves, and not to others, and do not try to dig up minor flaws in people. Even if something didn’t work out for you, those around you will more likely reach out a helping hand than throw laughter and disapproving glances.
The more new and unusual you will learn, the more interesting you will be for others, and the more will be for conversation. And if you have any hobby, then this is generally wonderful. Improving something, you can ultimately become an example for the rest, and in this case, pleasant communication, a gradual deliverance from isolation and insecurity is guaranteed.
More often out of comfort zone
Perhaps this is the most difficult point, but it is the most effective and vital for those who want to get rid of shyness. As often as possible, do things that are not peculiar to you. Accept various invitations, participate in various events and events. It is important to take the first step and start the mechanism. Then it becomes clear that everything is not so scary and each time the uncertainty and shyness will decrease and go to the background.
Usually all our fears are completely unfounded and empty. It is advisable every time when suspicious thoughts creep into your head, stop, take a deep breath and think carefully about whether your fears are true, and whether it is worth worrying.
Problems with self-esteem, self-doubt and isolation can haunt people of all ages and bring problems in a variety of areas. It is necessary to overcome their complexes in order to live a full life. But you should not forget that excitement is a completely normal reaction of the body, for example, to an unfamiliar situation, or an upcoming important event. And a slight trembling in the knees can even become useful, because it brings all the body systems to tone and stimulates brain activity.
Reasons for the appearance of isolation
If isolation began to cause inconvenience in personal, in public life and in career realization, then it would be nice to find out the reasons for its appearance. Was closure originally laid down as a feature and manifested itself from some early years in some self-sufficiency? Among young children there are many who do not like noisy games, participating in team competitions, avoiding fun groups of children, preferring to them a secluded corner with a book or a couple of favorite toys.
Another thing is if isolation and self-doubt arose at a later stage (in adolescence or adulthood) and were the result of negative life situations, resentment, bullying by peers, humiliation by adults, and various independent failures. Moral injuries are a heavy cross that a person does not have to drag all his life on his back: the goal of self-determination of a person is completely within his power to throw him off with his own efforts and work on himself or with the help of psychologists in severe cases.
A closed person is characterized by the emergence of that ideal image of himself, which is gradually formed in the head, becomes clear and polished with each newly unpleasant situation. The position “If I were strong, smart, beautiful, etc., then I could have this and this” indicates the man’s exceptional timidity and puts him lower than others, and the more confident “I am strong, smart and beautiful” allows you to close eyes on one’s own weaknesses and incorrectly position oneself above others. At this stage, it should be understood that people are different, and each, no doubt, has their own shortcomings (another thing is how a particular person relates to them).
People locked in themselves suffer from the fact that communication with strangers and unfamiliar people is given to them with great difficulty - a feeling of overwhelming discomfort and a loss of confidence does not push them to resolve the problem, but to refuse to communicate with other people. They are tense in conversation, afraid to seem ridiculous and ridiculous to others, remain in the shadow of the company, avoid conversations on any topic, and if they enter into conversation if necessary, they are limited to the most concise phrases, without a flight of thought and word. Such people are secretive, do not spread about themselves and their lives, fearing to become even more vulnerable.
How to get rid of far-fetched flaws
Inhale and exhale calmly and impartially look at yourself from the side, discarding unnecessary emotions and love (or dislike) for yourself. Objective self-esteem is not the easiest thing in relation to oneself, but after several attempts you can significantly come closer to understanding your own essence. Benevolent self-criticism, not self-flagellation, a sense of humor towards one’s own shortcomings and a calm perception of good qualities, loving oneself as one is, understanding one’s own weaknesses and advantages is the approach that will help in self-knowledge and self-acceptance.
Such a person is recommended to talk with those who are really dear to him: family, close friend (even a person very limited in communication will have one), children, spouse, etc. or seek the advice of a psychologist or psychotherapist. It is important to be sure that the other person gives a fair assessment, does not lie and embellish the situation, but expresses his vision from the outside.
How to overcome isolation?
The behavior of a closed person is usually depressive or contemplative in nature: he does not take an active part in society, does not seek to establish new contacts or maintain previously made acquaintances and connections. The course of his life varies from a calm, measured calm to a brook running a little under the gusts of wind, but it will never turn into a seething stream of circumstances and contacts with the outside world.
Most likely, even with painstaking work on oneself, it will not be possible to get complete relaxation of the soul and body, but resurrection of pleasant moments in memory will become useful for the psychological state in any case. It is recommended to recall the positive moments of communication, the successful manifestation of the initiative, the situations in which the decision made or the timely phrase was approved in the surrounding society - all this will help restore proper self-esteem.
For teenagers, sometimes it’s enough to remember the correct answer given in the classroom near the blackboard or sports achievements, even if it’s on a local school scale. Are you a cool dancer, artist or singer? Or maybe the young genius of technical thought? So let others know about it: the development of talents in childhood is the basis for a person in his future life and professional formation.
By the way, sport is an excellent doctor specializing in getting rid of isolation and self-doubt. At the same time, it is recommended to choose team sports - this will not allow you to dig in and identify your own shortcomings, as can be the case in individual failures. Communication when playing soccer, volleyball, basketball, etc. will become a necessity and allow a person to adapt more organically to a new circle of communication. Support for teammates in case of misses (without which no one, even a professional athlete can do) will make you feel necessary, responsible for your own actions and position yourself on a par with other players.
Start with yourself and your immediate environment
If isolation is not congenital in nature, then it is usually based on the complexes that arose due to circumstances. How and in what order to deal with such isolation and self-doubt?
Shy of your own appearance or figure? More often you look in the mirror, noting your own merits: do a new hairstyle, upgrade your wardrobe, visit the spa or start classes in the gym. Women should not dress up in dull turtlenecks and worn jeans - clothing and underwear that emphasize the dignity of the figure correct gait and posture, make you more confident and attractive to others.
Rate yourself as: a competent specialist, a gentle and attentive mother or daughter, a loving spouse, etc. - there will certainly be something for which others appreciate you.
It is recommended to gradually expand your own circle of friends: don’t start immediately with a big company - one or two people from your inner circle will help you to feel more confident, and gradually you will be able to freely communicate with many friends and acquaintances.
Learn to confidently behave with friends, and then with strangers. Yes, it’s difficult and you may have to force yourself to look into the interlocutor’s eyes, maintain a direct posture, speak clearly, loudly and not mumble, argue and politely express your own point of view, even if it differs from what is expected.
5. Do not be afraid of the attention of other people: you must have raised your hand in the school class and answered the teacher’s question correctly - responsibility for actions and words will teach self-confidence and healthy relaxedness in adulthood.
6. More often observe confident public people: how politicians behave, how theater, film and television stars behave, find such a person in your own surroundings and take a closer look - the observation experience will help to adequately respond to taunts, ridicule, non-standard situations and in the end the result will improve the quality of life.
7. Get rid of physical muscle tension in moments of fear and fear of the new. Breathing exercises, simple exercises will help to relax physically and calm psychologically. Here is another reason to take care of our own health, it is not by chance that they say: “A healthy mind is in a healthy body!”
8. For parents and relatives of a self-enclosed child, it is recommended to exercise patience, sensitivity and constant attention to his needs. Psychological games, tasks, and trainings will help speed up the liberation of such a baby.
Closure is not necessarily a negative trait of a person: if we consider it as a direction of a person’s thoughts to his own fantasies and ideas, then people living in their own inner world are seen in a different light. They note a predisposition to non-standard thinking, creative thoughts, original solutions to life situations and problems.
Reasons for closure
Many people ask the question: “Why am I a closed and uncommunicative person?”. Here are just a few of the most common causes:
- heredity: self-doubt is transmitted at the genetic level. Если кто-то из ближайших родственников отличается замкнутостью и необщительностью, эти качества вы могли унаследовать от них,
- воспитание в детстве: родители допускают ошибки, которые оставляют глубокий след в сознании человека даже во взрослом возрасте. Constant prohibitions, refusals, and jerking lead to the fact that the child begins to be shy of the manifestations of his personality and hides the individual deep inside. And vice versa: excessive praise of the child and the statement that he is the most, lead him to a conflict with the outside world in the future: he sees that many are doing something better than him, and because of this, he goes into himself,
- social environment: at an early age, the child may suffer from ridicule of the surrounding children, inappropriate comments of educators or teachers, the young consciousness is vulnerable, and even a trifle deprives a person of self-confidence. In adulthood, we experience constant pressure from society, indicating what and how to do. Relatives, employers and other people often crush our interests, aspirations and views for themselves. Feeling “somehow not like that”, the person closes, becomes quiet and humble,
- bad experience in relationships: if the first love ended in a hard parting, if the chosen one was ugly with you or didn’t reciprocate your feelings at all, self-esteem comes under attack.
I am a professional psychologist with experience in solving problems related to personal growth. If you can’t become more sociable and cannot overcome isolation, I can help. Sign up for an individual psychological consultation. I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow and online via Skype. Anonymous and confidential
Resentment, fear, self-doubt, arrogance - all these are reasons for isolation. We are talking about a conflict with the outside world, a sense of self-mismatch to him. Psychology highlights the media as another factor affecting non-communicativeness. The constant flow of information - both positive and negative - dissolves in itself. Reading the blogs of popular people and seeing how bright they live, you begin to be too critical of your own life and, as a result, you seem to yourself uninteresting and worthless. And the abundance of information about terrorist attacks, wars, environmental disasters and other difficult events leads to a depressed, quiet, frightened state. Feeling weak and helpless, a person closes in himself. You can become a victim of mass communication in adulthood.
To cope with isolation, people buy thematic books, attend group trainings, practice auto-training, and try to communicate more and more often. But lack of communication is a symptom, while its causes are many. You can not remove the symptom without resolving the issue with the cause. Seeking the answer, a person can mistakenly decide that he has found that very problem. If this turns out to be not her, he will lose a lot of time and will not cope with the complexes.
How to deal with isolation if you want to let new people into life? Sometimes their own efforts are not enough, and attempts are ineffective, which worsens the situation. In this case, the help of a psychologist is required. A specialist will ask about everything that worries you, listen to your fears and concerns. Together with a therapist, you will see the reason for the failure to communicate with people. Sometimes one consultation is enough to understand how to behave, to stop being closed and uncommunicative. If the situation is difficult, more meetings will be required.
As a professional, I am ready to understand the situation with you and help you learn how to communicate with people easily and with pleasure. Communication brings happiness, this is an indispensable element of social life - let's take a step together to meet it!