Useful Tips

11 simple tricks that will make you a confident person


Alexandra Olsufieva has been organizing secular charity parties in Moscow and Europe for many years. For example, the fact that the guests register for a charity dinner with Alexandra in a few weeks is indicative of the level of her events. An interesting detail: unfamiliar people are invited to these parties. Alexander carefully prepares the guest list in such a way that it contains equally men and women. A group of friends cannot get to the same party. In general, such secular dinners among strangers are a French tradition, with their own rules and laws of the genre. So, the mistress of these evenings is more than anyone aware of how to behave at a party where you know no one and what you can (and cannot) talk with strangers.

So, you ended up at an event where there are a lot of pleasant but unfamiliar people. What to do and what to talk about (do not be silent all evening)?

First, do not hide your eyes. Better yet - smile. And forward - go to any person (best of all to the one who managed to catch your eye and smile in response) and introduce yourself. “I am so-and-so, and I don’t know anyone here, and you?” The ice will begin to melt.

Get help. The more primitive the question, the better. For example: “Do you happen to know where they are pouring here?” Or: “Can you help me bring these glasses to the living room?” (If the party is homemade).

Attack the organizer - he will introduce you to everyone. At home parties, the fun part usually happens in the kitchen. If cooking is still in full swing, offer your help. And even better - without an offer, start cutting cheese, frying bruschetta bread, arranging plates - and involve assistants in your team. Joint labor is very close.

there is three topics that are not spoken to by strangers. This is religion, politics and medicine. You do not know the views and the state of health of your interlocutor - it means that you risk in one elegant move to step on all his corns at the same time.

AND There are three topics guaranteed to be suitable for conversations with anyone.: weather, art and discussion of the place and conditions in which you met. They are boring but safe.

A woman today has every right to start a conversation herself with a stranger who is bored nearby. This is a great achievement of female emancipation. The downside of this emancipation is that modern gentlemen do not consider it their duty to entertain their interlocutor with all their might, and they are no longer taught this in schools. So, having started the conversation, be prepared for the fact that you will have to support it yourself, and they will giggle, blush and modestly keep silent in response.

To start a conversation with a compliment is very right. “What earrings! What is it? ”,“ How difficult it is, probably, to do such a hairstyle! ”,“ Your dress is similar to the one in which Jackie Kennedy was married ”- this is all perfect for girls. For men, compliments have to be invented more difficult, but you can always cling to a tie.

But keep in mind that depending on the country, “praise a tie” can be interpreted in different ways. The Frenchman, for example, decides that you are already flirting, the Italian (like Italian) will be delighted, the American - too, and the Russian - at a loss. But the conversation will begin anyway.

Everything becomes much simpler if there is at least something special in the appearance of the candidate outlined by you (and this is not a bald spot or an false eye). In the beautiful series “The Big Bang Theory” there is an episode in which the hero (a sociopath - they are all sociopaths except Penny) appeared in a bar with a big green kerosene lamp from a comic book store, and all evening he was forced to fend off the beautiful girls who were becoming in line for a meeting. Because it’s one thing to talk to a stranger in a bar, and quite another to talk to a stranger in a bar who has a Green Lantern. So you, if you want to be a magnet today for spontaneous conversations, take care of some curious detail of the exterior. A dress with a print from McDonald's (I saw those at Moschino, where Jeremy Scott is a big joker) - and you won’t have to look for topics to talk all evening.

Do not ask questions on the forehead. “Where do you work?”, “Where did you serve?”, “Are you married?”, “Do you have children?” - oddly enough, but sometimes such a simple questionnaire can drive a person into a hellish dead end. And what should he answer you? “They cut me off the day before, I slandered from the army, I'm in the stage of permanent divorce, and I seem to have a child from one of my classmates, but I never saw him, and I don’t know if this is a boy or a girl?” And be careful with age, especially if you are talking with a woman. You consult with her about a Filipino nanny, and she will be forced to explain to you (in the presence of that interesting young man) that her baby is twenty-three years old and she goes to the last course of chemical-technological. Only the most vague wording in the style of “What do you do in life?” Is appropriate.

Complain about traffic jams. Praise be to them for those countless hours of secular idle talk that they gave life to. You can talk about traffic jams almost as much time as standing in them. One of you does not have a car? Yes, what’s the problem - taxis in traffic jams are no worse!

Do not lose heart (even if you are bored of talking about nannies, traffic jams and the role of McDonald's in modern fashion). No matter how meaningless the conversation may seem to you, in any case now you are not wasting your time. You hone the communication skills that a person needs so much for a harmonious existence. So, yesterday the traffic jam on the Third Ring.

Fresh decent jokes are an untouchable reserve. I always have at least four of them. They should be short and, preferably, funny.

A young man is, of course, a challenge. They only talk about online games and sex now. These are the only topics that are capable of lingering for some time between two male ears under thirty each. So if you’re not ready to taste the launch of the Archerage MBT with soap, and you’re embarrassed to start sex right away - don’t pick up topics for communication with the young man, but just talk to him about everything that comes to your mind. Nothing will tolerate. What is pleasant in young men is that they are meek and accustomed to follow the lead of women.

Always give your interlocutor a convenient excuse to escape. At each party there is at least a couple of nerds who, crouching on their ears, are ready for five, if not ten minutes, to talk about some nonsense. And here you are - you are not like that. You pause. You ask your interlocutor if he thinks to see what kind of noise there is - suddenly it was Monica Bellucci who arrived? Or are you reporting that it seems that they are already making a cake with candles. And you continue the conversation only after the interlocutor didn’t dive into a loophole so wide open, but chose to stay next to you.

Latest movies, latest books, latest scandals. Before the party, take a look at Facebook and a couple of news sites for solidity - this will give you an idea of ​​the news of the current week. Topicality is the justification for any speeches - it will be strange to start discussing Dickens's Oliver Twist right off the bat, but Bykov’s night lectures “Direct Speech” will really work. However, for Dickens, too, not everything is lost - if, for example, the other day, with his volume, Michelle Obama beat her husband for smoking in the toilet.

Do not let your interlocutors feel bored. It's just a party - everyone is bored here. Communication of people interesting to each other takes place in other places and in different conditions. But perhaps you will be able to replenish your collection of such people today - and leave to continue the conversation on the landing or in any other place where the DJ has not yet reached.

1. Straighten your back and change your gait

Direct posture, open wide gestures, firm gait - all these signs can easily recognize a confident person.

Therefore, straighten your back, walk with brisk steps, raise your head and take your eyes off the floor. This message will be read by others, and you will soon notice how consciousness has changed. Studies have shown that body language of a self-confident person affects stress reduction.

2. Eliminate negative thoughts from internal dialogue

Controlling your internal dialogue is a very complex but great way to discipline yourself. Try to track all the thoughts that come to your mind during the week. And write out those associated with self-doubt. Ask yourself the question: “What evidence can I give in favor of this belief?” After analyzing your notes, you will realize that most negative thoughts have no basis, and the remaining reasons for constriction and anxiety can be worked out.

In addition, make a list of your positive character traits and achievements. Just read it when a negative belief creeps into the stream of thoughts.

3. Know the time when self-confidence leaves you

If you keep notes, as indicated in the previous paragraph, you will soon notice that doubts are at the same time. Suppose you had a wonderful day, but before going to bed, silly thoughts pop into your head that nothing will work out and that everything is bad.

Just consider the appearance of such reflections as your psychological feature and perceive the usual evening doubts as something automatic, ignoring them.

4. Celebrate your achievements

Keep a success diary and make notes in it daily. It is not necessary to write out only global achievements. Mark every step on the way to the goal, even if it seems insignificant to you. For example, “I ate oatmeal for breakfast”, “read 20 pages of a book”, “went over in the morning”.

When you have reasons to be proud of yourself, self-confidence will not keep you waiting.

"How do you relax in your free time?"

Asking questions about people’s non-business activities can help build a bond between you, said Shen White, the owner of Women’s Peak Performance Coaching.

Questions about one's hobbies “are semi-personal, but still professionally acceptable,” White said. “These questions can bring a certain level of lightness and humor to the conversation, and also let you know what inspires these people - that we give them real pleasure.”

“Do you mind if I join you just to listen?”

As Tim Ferriss, the author of The 4-Hour Workweek, told the editor, his personal rule is this: if two people talk during a corporate event, then interrupt them rudely, but if a group of three or more people communicate with each other, then you can ask them politely if you can join their conversation using this approach.

As soon as you get permission to listen to the conversation, stand silently until someone says something incomprehensible to you. At this point, Ferris says, you should ask, “Could you explain this to me?” Someone will most likely ask you who you are, providing you with space for further acquaintance, he explains.

“How did you hear about this party?”

The question of how a person learned about this event is a great way to start a dialogue, Professor Keith Rollagh of the Babson College told Pittsburgh Better Times.

The answer will probably contain interesting details that you can remember and clarify in the future, and this is a fairly unobtrusive way to start a dialogue.

“Hm, I'm not quite sure what this dish is. Can you tell me? ”

Instead of silently standing in line for food, take the opportunity to start a conversation about a topic that always wanders in the mind of any person: about food.

Ask about which dish they like best, or about an obscure dish, Coombs writes. “Who knows, you can leave the buffet with the best dish and a new acquaintance.”

“This is my first time at this conference. You don't know anything about ...? "

Saying you're new to this event, and approaching a person with a question on the topic, you are using a great way to start a conversation, Rollag said.

“If the other person is also participating in this event for the first time, then you can sympathize with each other about the difficulties that newcomers face,” he told the Pittsburgh Better Times. “If you come here regularly, you simply demonstrate respect and respect for their experience, and at the same time put them in the role of a mentor, which most people feel pleasant, gives them a new goal and brings new energy.”

"Do you happen to be friends with ...?"

Even if you don’t really understand who is standing in front of you, you can go to any person and ask him if he is friends with another person who is also present at this event, writes Jessica Gordon for The Daily Muse.

If a person answers “no”, then portray a surprised reaction, and further conversation will come on its own.

“Are you planning any exciting trips anytime soon?”

Holidays are a popular time for traveling, and talking about plans for the holiday weekend is an almost guaranteed way to start a conversation, because most people already have their own thoughts about holding them, even if these plans will not be realized soon, but at the same time they love about them. to talk.

And even if the details of the planned vacation are still unknown, your interlocutor will be able to answer you in the style of: “No, but I would like to ...”.

“Do you live somewhere nearby?”

The location question will help you quickly start an interesting dialogue with ease, because “it doesn’t feel like you asked a person to give his elevator presentation again,” said Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert and owner of The News. Protocol School of Texas.

A conversation will allow both interlocutors to talk about themselves, which is the universal goal of any conversation.

"Have you heard about ...?"

Study the news headlines on the day of the event so that you can ask about people's opinions on these issues, especially if this news is related to their professional activities, writes Meredith Lepur of the Levo League.

This topic will allow the discussion to continue, and at the same time will demonstrate that you are trying to keep abreast of the latest developments. This is a win-win option, she said.

Of course, problems like finding satellites, so there is nothing worse to create a first impression than a negative attitude.

Rosalind Oropesa Randall, an expert on etiquette and courtesy, as well as the author of Don't Burp in the Boardroom, recommends avoiding contentious topics such as politics or religion.

“Have you already started to look ...?”

If this is a new popular series that just began to be shown on Netflix (or any other service), then it is likely that people have already heard about it, which means they can tell you in detail about how they relate to it.

If they have not had time to watch it yet, you can supplement the first phrase with questions about what series they are going to see in the future. At some point, you will surely stumble upon a common point of contact.

“Does your local Wi-Fi work fine?”

This is a quick way to empathize with people who are also uncomfortable with local Wi-Fi, or, even better, make new acquaintances during a successful Internet connection.

“I always try to use common problems that happen at every event,” writes Amanda Zental-Wiener. “When you arrive at an event for the first time, nobody really knows what is happening here. But everyone who understands will surely seize the chance to be in the know. ”

“Great shoes!”

If you sincerely like someone else’s clothing, then compliment her, said Michelle Tillis Lederman, CEO of Executive Essentials, a professional development company.

Your interlocutor will not only be flattered by your compliment, but at the same time you will be able to ask him related questions about where he bought this thing, which in the future will lead to an interesting conversation. There is only one caveat: don’t pretend, Lederman says. Ludt feel insincerity well.

“Did you come here together or meet here?”

If you go to a group of people, this is one of the best ways to intervene in their conversation.

“In addition, this question opens a dialogue for each person in the group, and is not limited to just the people who are sitting right in front of you,” Zental-Wiener writes in HubSpot News. "And the more people participating in this conversation, the better - this is another opportunity for you to explore the goals of other people and exchange valuable ideas with them."

“Man, this party is getting too stormy. It's a little quieter here, do you mind if I join you? ”

Find someone in the back of the conversation and introduce yourself, recommends Coombs.

Учитывая, что они сидят в одиночестве и, вероятно, выглядят несчастными, они, возможно, испытывают дискомфорт в социальных ситуациях, говорит Кумбс. Выступая инициатором разговора, вы можете помочь им облегчить свою участь и проще начать разговор.

«Что вы думаете об этом…?»

Разговоры происходят на почве общего опыта, поэтому Ледерман рекомендует воспользоваться вещью, которая объединяет вас обоих: тем, что происходит вокруг вас.

Вы можете спросить о самой вечеринке, о групповом обсуждении или даже о ресторанах поблизости – всё это даст вам обоим шанс внести свой собственный вклад в разговор.

“Can you recommend or advise me something on ...?”

By allowing other people to use their expertise, you help them feel better and more open towards you, Lederman told CareerBliss.

You can ask about anything, starting with a working draft and ending with their opinion about which car you should buy. Just make sure that you sincerely listen to them and respond to their advice, says Lederman. As one old saying goes, we have two ears and only one language, so we can listen twice as much as we speak.

“I'm tired of listening to my friends - I see them all the time. Guys, what are you talking about? ”

This is another way to join a group conversation that you find interesting.

“This is a phrase that proves its worth in a variety of scenarios, because it is almost always true,” writes Zental-Wiener in HubSpot News. "She demonstrates your interest in which of the people is present at this event."

"What show are you secretly keen on?"

Almost everyone watch at least one show for which they at least have a slight embarrassment, told ZinePak co-founder Brittany Hodak to Inc., and she also said that sharing such secret hobbies with strangers is fun.

“It's pretty funny how fast you can get in touch with someone who asked you to share your secret obsession,” said Hodak.

“What do you like most in your work?”

If you still want to learn more about the life of the person you are talking to, you can try to use questions about what your interlocutor loves most in their work, or about what is the most vivid memory of your work he can tell you.

In addition, this issue brings additional benefits, keeping the dialogue positive, which will leave the person the same positive impression of you.

“You definitely seem to be a more fun group than the one I spoke to before”

If all the other phrases have failed, try saying something completely random that might just work, the editors of The Daily Muse write, like interfering in a fascinating dialogue with comments about how fun their group looks from the side.

“Well, and while we are here, I would like to introduce myself”

Zental-Wiener recommends using this phrase if you are waiting for a long line.

“As the most impatient person on the planet, I can fully confirm the effectiveness of using this phrase compared to just focusing on how slowly the line moves,” writes Zental-Wiener. “Use this accumulated energy in a more productive way, for example, by meeting people around you.”