Sometimes we come to consult spouses who are in a fierce conflict, with a lot of resentment and anger at each other. But later it turns out that this is only one part of their relationship. The other is. it is love, tenderness, affection, care and a sense of value of the other spouse. But it’s much harder for them to talk about these feelings. And when the spouses stop talking about their love, the meaning in living together is lost.
Attention is a manifestation of love
To improve relationships, it is important to find in yourself that nook where your love hid. It must be carefully and carefully raised and shown to the partner. When you begin to express love, the partner eventually responds to this and also becomes more loving. However, they do not require love, they give it. There is no need to “force” a spouse to talk about love, there are various ways to express it without the help of words.
The first way is by touching. How long have you gently touched each other? Do you want this? For touches to become a manifestation of love, they must be pleasant to the partner, express care and attention. No need to zeal and strangle each other in an embrace. Sometimes we hug a partner when we ourselves want to be in a hug. Be careful! If he (she) leaves touch, if he doesn’t want it now, then he does not need to insist and be offended. Maybe you need to wait for the right time, choose the right place, ask what kind of touch is pleasant to the spouse.
The second way is gifts. For gifts to be a manifestation of love, they should not be made for the sake of a tick, should not be payment for something or the purchase of something. Giving a gift, you do not need to wait for anything in return. Such gifts need to be made when you want to please your spouse, and they are more likely pleasant than useful. If you spent time preparing a gift, organized a special presentation ceremony, hand it in person, such a gift will be valued higher. It will be more pleasant for a woman to receive flowers as a gift, not a food processor, for a man - a football ticket, not a razor set. A particularly valuable gift is the implementation of erotic fantasies. For a husband, a gift may be attractive new clothes on his wife, for a wife - a husband organizing a romantic dinner.
The third way is help. For help to be a manifestation of love, it must be voluntary and selfless. Try not to confuse it with an ultimatum or a mutual exchange agreement. A husband can help his wife in household chores, to do the part of which he was not asked. A wife can help her husband realize his ideas: find the phone he needs on the Internet, and support him with his faith in him.
The fourth way is words of encouragement. Over time, the good that spouses in the family do is taken for granted. A tradition is being created to perceive the fulfillment of your wishes as a norm that does not deserve attention. But misses are criticized and inflated to unimaginable sizes. This is typical for most of our families. Sometimes a husband or wife tries to do something in a new way, but is often met with criticism from the other spouse. This brings a special bitterness, resentment, desire for revenge, hopelessness and a feeling of loss of love into the relationship. The desire to please the partner disappears. So a thin thread of hope gradually wraps itself in a ball of mutual resentment and anger.
If you look closely at each other, you will surely find what you like about your partner. Think about what you can thank each other for. For example, a husband provides a family, plays with children, and a wife brings up children and takes care of the household. Perhaps your partner has taken on the part of the collaboration that you especially don’t like. Recognize your partner’s contribution to family life praise him for what you like about him and his actions. Do not ignore the efforts of the partner that you enjoy. Say words of gratitude when you received a gift, gratefully accept help, speak when you are pleased with his touch. The more sincere your words, the more love your partner will feel. Words of approval will not spoil it, but allow you both to be happier.
The most amazing thing is that taking positive reviews is also quite difficult. Listen to yourself - what is easier for you to perceive: praise or censure? It so happens that compliments and approvals can confuse, cause anxiety and anxiety. This is explained by the fact that many in childhood were accustomed to getting bumps and cuffs, and what is familiar is safe, therefore more comfortable.
The fifth way is time for communication. When you devote time to each other, you feel significant and loved. Spending time with a person means paying attention to him, being in dialogue with him. If you began to notice that you are listening to your spouse or “like a radio”, then think about what you are missing in order to be absorbed in talking to each other. Perhaps you are listening poorly or distracted by other problems? In order for the partner to understand that they hear him, you need to look at him when he says, do not do anything else at this time, be attentive to his feelings and not interrupt. If you do not understand what the husband or wife is talking about, ask questions, show a sincere interest in what the spouse is telling. It is very useful in such a dialogue to speak only in the first person. For example: "I’m so hungry that I don’t think anything," instead of "Well, how much can you wait for dinner ?!"
In addition to talking, you can do something that both of you like, for example, to prepare a gala dinner or. jump with a parachute.
Answer these questions yourself. Do you often stay with your husband / wife together, only together? When was the last time you spoke not about children and deeds, but about your relationship? Do you want to be alone? If you want, then the opportunity will certainly appear. There are grandparents, babysitters, a kindergarten, or anything else. If you feel even a bit of doubt and reluctance, ask yourself: "What can happen if you suddenly are left alone and start talking to each other?" If the answer to this question is the lack of a topic for conversation, then here's a clue to where you can start discussing your relationship.
Say "Marriage Contract"
In every relationship there is an unspoken "contract." It may contain points regarding what common goals you have, for which each of you is responsible in the family, how it is customary to communicate with each other, how to show love, what distance is acceptable for you in a relationship, etc. Unspoken arrangements are rarely voiced, agreed upon, and debated. Both spouses develop, change, and the initial contract may not meet the current needs of the spouses. And then the contract needs to be reviewed. Think about your contract, write together its paragraphs. Discuss them. Do they suit each of you? Do they meet the requirements of the situation? For example, you initially had an unspoken shared wallet contract. But this agreement was adopted a long time ago when there was little money in the family. Perhaps now, each of you has a need to share finances, and you are silent about this, and do not even know that your half wants the same as you. Remember the parable about how two elderly spouses at a golden wedding discovered the mistake of a lifetime. The husband thought: "All my life, taking care of my wife, I gave her a crust of bread, which I love so much, today I can finally eat it myself." My wife thought the same thing about bread crumb. After that, they found out that his wife liked the crumb all his life, and her husband liked the crust.
Check your guesses about a partner, clarify your relationship
Sometimes a bitter precipitate of resentment or disappointment, anger or fear remains from communication with a spouse. In this case, you can try not to avoid further interaction, but to clarify what happened. It is important to talk about yourself and your feelings and listen carefully to your partner. Describe your feelings and actions of the partner that caused these feelings.
Let's say you hug your husband when he plays on the computer. He says in exasperation: "Get out." You can be offended and stop talking, pout and wait for your husband to feel guilty and he will pay attention to you. And you can even decide that your husband completely stopped loving you. Or you can wait until he leaves the computer and ask about his feelings and attitude towards you, i.e. Test your fantasies. You may find out that your husband loves you very much, but now he’s just tired and is resting.
And remember that if your spouse is angry and yells at you, this does not mean that he does not love you and does not accept you. Each person gets along different, sometimes directly opposite feelings to even the closest people. We can hate a partner and passionately love him, sometimes feel tenderness for him, and sometimes fear rejection.
Pause in conflict
In a conflict of interest, when the feelings of partners are very strong, each spouse wants to insist on his own and win. The loser is forced to sacrifice his interests. However, this is what the family needs in order to satisfy the needs of all its members as fully as possible. When at least one loses, the whole family loses. When emotions overwhelm you, and you begin to insult each other, pause the conversation. Explain to your partner that you need a break to calm down and think. Listen to yourself. What is stopping you from understanding your partner now? Think what you want. What do you feel? Think about the partner, what does he want, what feelings does he have? Try to understand his positive intentions. It is unlikely that he lives with you to spoil your life. And when you calm down, tell your partner what you understand. Talk about your feelings, about your desires. Ask him if you understand him correctly. Then, when making decisions, you can take into account both your interests and the interests of the partner.
Explore the give-receive balance
Respect each other's needs. Try to try on your family with the idea that each of you can get the most out of it, and you don’t have to suffer for this. Explore the balance of your give-receive relationship together. The partners are especially pleased with each other when both feel that they get a little more in the relationship than they give. In order not to be in a situation where one of you will have only pleasures and the other will have only responsibilities, each of you needs to defend your desires. This can lead to the fact that the spouse will be angry at the fact that you are selfish, and absolutely do not want to think and care about him. Do not be afraid of this anger, it does not mean loss of love, but your willingness to fight for love and happiness.
We hope that you will not only take advantage of these recommendations, but also come up with your own ways to grow and maintain warm feelings for each other.