From hate to love, one step.
Ksyusha DoroninNovember 4, 2016
It was with this person that you spent the night looking for a runaway cat, making a Spider-Man costume from a curtain, and once you often screamed songs in the back seat of your parent's car. You could adore your brother / sister, but it turns out that you almost almost hate him / her. Why is this so and what to do about it?
In your opinion, in the ideal picture “Mom, Dad, I am a happy family”, it is not in vain that one more child is mentioned: in your opinion, his existence contradicts all the rules of Feng Shui and only spoils the harmony in the apartment. So you think for good reason: the fact is that your relationship with your brother / sister is not at all like harmonious and happy - most often you just impulsively want to nail each other. Of course, sometimes a spark of tenderness flashes between you, but this is rather the exception - from healthy communication, as a rule, very soon there is no trace left. Mom and dad often conduct educational conversations in the style of the cat Leopold, but they are useless: living together is still impossible.
And in fact, the problem is not at all in Feng Shui: he does not say anything about the correct number of children. But psychologists see several reasons at once, which often prevent brothers and sisters from finding a common language. Reread them carefully and determine what is relevant to your personal situation.
First, your problems may have biological roots. You probably got a different temperament. You love silence, study well, watch arthouse cinema and dream of a trip to Scandinavia, and your sibling (as brothers and sisters are called in psychology) every day cuts music to its fullest, you can hang out all day without knowing where, constantly hammering at the institute and not able to accumulate even on the train. Of course, in this situation, your only form of communication is mutual understanding. It’s just that your value systems and the speed of lives do not match. And you are still not old enough to diplomatically contact with such polar world views.
Secondly, both of you need to admit the following fact: one of you will always be more experienced, psychologically mature, physically developed by the other one, three, six or eleven years of difference. At the same time, the second one, the younger one, can clearly feel its “backwardness”. Only here some take it for granted and take it easy, while others are angry and all the time trying to prove something - on this basis there are constant conflicts.
Thirdly, your upsetting relationship can be influenced by education. For many parents, older children are an experimental site. They expect the first-born to be the most beautiful, smart, successful. He is raised strictly and in accordance with all the rules. And with each subsequent baby the control becomes less and less, and there is more concern and forgiveness. That is why the youngest child is often spoiled and hyperactive. The middle one is the embodiment of the golden mean. And the older one is prone to perfectionism in everything. This makes it difficult to exist peacefully.
Fourth, here's another important point: probably, the early childhood of each of you falls on different stages of parental relations. Perhaps someone was especially lucky: mom and dad were in love and carefree. Another could be born when the family was shaken by economic crises or constant quarrels. Since you look at the world through the prism of your past, you see it in different ways.
Fifth, whatever one may say, parents cannot communicate with you exactly the same, although they love you evenly. Perhaps dad seeks to grow his superior copy out of you, while he forgives his sister any flaws. Or a mother may want you not to need anything, and from a son he demands male independence and financial independence. In such a situation, everything is obvious: the lack of "justice" gives rise to envy and jealousy.
And most importantly - in fact, this list of reasons is just a convention. With many friends, your age, priorities, material level, etc. But with them you perfectly find a common language. But what to hide: you meet your brother / sister in the company of friends, you would probably love each other at first sight. But in your situation there is an inexhaustible basis for conflict - this is a struggle for the love and attention of parents. Are you really sure this is worth sharing?
Alas, rare mothers and fathers studied Julia Hippenreiter and other luminaries of pedagogy before the appearance of children. And since parents do not pass special exams, many make the same mistakes. As a result, children in relationships with each other play the following unhappy roles:
Unequal opponent. It all started with the fact that one of you was not warned about the imminent appearance of another. This someone enjoyed the attention of others, an abundance of toys and a lack of commitment exactly until they brought home a bundle of crumbs. Then everything changed dramatically: parents switched to a new man. Suddenly, from an only child to become older, to move from the center of the Universe to the periphery, from carelessness to step into responsibility is quite difficult. The first-born seems to have found a replacement. And so he rolls up scandals and organizes revolutions. If his performances go unnoticed, he comes up with new tricks to attract attention, for example, is sick or rolls to deuces. So the foundation of permanent competition is laid.
How to establish a relationship with my sister? How to make peace with my sister?
Messages that the sisters receive from the environment are also important. “Many times, my patients told stories from childhood, as a teacher constantly compared girls and commented:“ And your sister in the seventh grade did better. ” It is very difficult to listen.
It would seem that, innocuous remarks give the girl a feeling that she should race against her sister, to prove herself better than her, ”says the therapist.
In the face of such pressure, people, as a rule, occupy one of two positions: they either try to start a competition, or, on the contrary, go to great pains, do everything contrary to parents and teachers, become a "black sheep" in the family. Many of the girls who had this status among relatives really wanted love and acceptance, but the requirements for them were insurmountable.
Girl have to encounter difficult feelings even at the moment when the attention of the parents is directed to the sister, because, for example, she is sick. And then a healthy child can feel for life that the sick person has “taken” her portion of parental tenderness and attention.
When is the competition between sisters the strongest?
As a rule, rivalry arises in early childhood. Often the very appearance of a sister in the world causes a sense of danger and a desire to fight for the love of mom or dad. As a rule, breakthrough moments in life are fueled by related competitions who entered the best university, who have a successful personal life, who are more confident in their careers, who have how many children, and so on.
Often, only one sister participates in competitions, driven by grievances over the years, and the other does not even realize that she is participating in the “race”. The older the girls and the more independent they are, the stronger the competition is weakening. Anthropologist Margaret Mead said nursing relationships are the most competitive in the family, but when the sisters grow, the bonds between them become extremely strong. There is definitely something to it.
How to establish a relationship with a sister - advice from a psychologist
It is generally accepted that the closest people are sisters. However, the worst enemies are they. Sisters who are in a quarrel. And it’s understandable why. They know each other's weaknesses. As a rule, they know where to hit.
Like no one else, they know how to wage such a psychological war. As a result of which daily stress. The contradiction is that these two people experience opposite feelings at the same time. Each of them is different and loves and hates.
Psychologists are sure that problems with sisters consist of three components. Firstly, it is an echo from childhood. Secondly, these are current problems in your and her life. What you are currently experiencing. Thirdly, a misunderstanding of what is happening in the soul of the sister. In her inner world.
Both of you are adults formed people. Therefore, advice is given to you accordingly.
How to build a relationship with an older sister
First, as a younger sister, you should understand the psychology of the first child in the family. That is, your older sister. Briefly. How to build relationships with your sister, how to make peace with your sister in your case.
• She was constantly forced to control the situation and be responsible for you. Could be punished for failure to comply.
• She was always afraid of parental discontent. Therefore, I tried to do everything right. The habit of doing right has remained to this day.
• The appearance of the youngest child has taken her parents' attention away. She herself was a child and needed it. But, feeling responsible, she sacrificed a lack of love. But this remained a hidden grudge against the parents and the youngest child.
• The birth of a second child limits free time and free will of the first. She performed duties, although she wanted something else - to sleep or play.
• Given all this, when the eldest child makes a mistake, he blames the younger child. After all, the younger will not be punished. If the elder didn’t manage something, he couldn’t do it, he didn’t look.
Therefore, some already older older sisters could not get rid of everything. They show some qualities in adulthood. Trying to return the past, to avenge insult. But they do not realize it. And from the outside it looks like reproaches, stinging remarks and criticism.
How to build a relationship with a younger sister
In order to establish a relationship with a younger sister, you must first study one question. Briefly. These are the characterological features of the younger females. How to improve relations with your sister, how to make peace with your sister, if you are older?
• They have low self-esteem, sometimes an inferiority complex. Against the background of an older sister, who knows how and does everything quickly, easily. Next to the older sister, the younger one feels awkward.
• Younger daughters get more attention. They are more tender, spoiled, suffer from egocentrism.
• They do not know how to make a choice on their own. The habit that a senior will make a choice. What responsibility is on the older sister.
• Younger sisters envy older. Because they are prettier, they enjoy the attention of guys. They also envy freedom. That the sister has many rights. And envy turns into hatred.
We must try to put the situation in place, as it should be.
Why do sisters quarrel
How does the sisters birth order affect their relationship?
Older sister often plays the role of "second mother." This is just a seemingly strong position. A girl who constantly helps her parents, for example, brings her younger sisters from school or warms up lunch, loses some negligence in childhood. In adulthood, such women may be well organized, but they are also prone to control and sacrifice for others. They think everything is on their shoulders.
Middle sister in turn often is a person with altruistic traits, who is an intermediary in nursing relationships, so she has very developed social skills. But such a girl may also have a feeling that she is being overlooked and not noticed by her parents. All his life, entering into other relationships, it also exists as an “average”, diminishing its own needs.
Many experts those involved in family systems indicate that family conflicts usually arise when initial hierarchy somehow broken (for example, when parents are more concerned about the opinion of the younger sister, and the older one is ignored, when the younger one has children, etc.).
Youngest sister, on the one hand, is often a family favorite: parents indulge her more than older siblings. Therefore, she can say that since older children live up to their parents' expectations, she no longer needs to focus on this. On the other hand, the demands made by older brothers and sisters can become a double burden for her and make her constantly feel that she is “the worst of children”. How to improve relations with your sister, how to make peace with your sister when you have more than two sisters in your family?
Interesting, that in order to maintain a healthy relationship between sisters, it is important to adopt a certain hierarchy and follow it.
Awareness of who is who in the kinship line organizes family relationships, gives them the right rhythm. Of course, it is impossible to predict all variants of the development of events, but it is worth remembering the order, especially in the case of parents.
How to build relationships with a younger or older sister
Both of you are already out of childhood. Everyone has a family, children. But you yourself are no longer children. You live in different places, each lead their own way of life. You meet mainly in the house of your parents. And in meetings, treat each other the same way as in childhood. That is your mistake. In the parental home, you recall the rules by which they communicated. For example, "I'm older - you're younger." Or "you offended me all the time - I gave in to you."
You are adults now. The concept of "younger-older" acted during the growing up. Now he is gone. Each of you is a self-sufficient person. The person who is being approved. Has reasonable opinions. Throw that model of relationships that was in childhood. Do not bring it to the present.
How to build a relationship with a younger sister
We must accept her as an adult. You no longer warm her to eat and do not wipe her snot. You are already doing this with your children. Sister is not far from you by age. After 20 years of difference, as such, is no longer felt. Drop the model "you are younger and must obey me in everything."
We must stop commanding, teaching. Especially ordering. Now you have a girlfriend, the best, sweetest, dearest and very familiar from childhood. With this way of thinking you will become closer with her. Find adult common interests, topics for conversation.
How to build a relationship with an older sister
Throw off the model of children's relationships. Sister will no longer braid your braids. Monitor homework. Nobody leaves you alone with her for the purpose of education. You don't have to play with her older friends anymore. Who ignored you and laughed. Your toys are now forever with you or your children. And no one is going to take them. Everything. You are adults, build your relationships, your families. There are borders between you and this is good.
Be Peaceful. Give your children an example of how to behave with sisters.
How to make peace with a sister. Step by Step Tips
Although each situation has its own characteristics, there are measures that may be appropriate in your cases.
It will be nice if you ask yourself: “What would I do if I were in her place?” In her position, in her environment and in the situation. Under the same circumstances.
One must think: “Why did she do this?” In most cases, a sister doesn’t do this to offend you. She has other reasons.
Try to connect by phone if there is a distance between you. Meet me. No need to talk on the phone about serious things. One must see the eyes of a person. See how he reacts to words. His gestures. Maybe she will nervously tug at the subject in her hands, worried. All this can only be seen. And do not hear. There is such a phrase: “If you want to be refused a request, call on the phone.”
It should be understood that you personally may not be the cause of the quarrel. She has problems that unsettle her. At work. Often in a family. Just taking advantage of some kind of disagreement, it joined the general background. And at this time poured into this form of conflict. In anger, cry, word, reproach, memory, etc.
You need to meet in a territory that does not belong to you or her. Or to parents, relatives. On neutral territory. The park is not the most suitable place, if there is no other choice. The most comfortable in a coffee shop, in the tea room.
Do not expect an apology from your doorstep. And most do not immediately apologize. Because none of you have completely cooled down yet.
We must first talk about general topics, about the positive is desirable. In this process, it will be possible to understand whether the sister is preparing for reconciliation.
It happens that she is ready, but does not want to show it. And sometimes it’s not ready. Then just have a conversation. Say frankness until next time. How to improve relations with my sister, how to make peace with my sister, if the conversation does not seem to bring quick results?
How can I make peace with my sister
Set aside in this conversation rooting and blaming. Because the situation will only get worse. In other words, each of you has its own truth. To listen to her is the sister's fault. If you listen, the same thing. And each of the two believes in his innocence.
Когда Вы поймете, что сестра готова к откровению, можно осторожно подвести разговор к теме. Будет хорошо объяснить почему Вы так сказали или поступили. И что Вы не имели в виду что-то плохое, укорительное или оскорбительное.
Помните, что Вам надо полностью выслушать сестру, не перебивая. Не перебивать. Especially when she speaks her arguments, beliefs, point of view, opinion. Without taking my eyes off, carefully, with participation, a nod. Not looking at the clock or window. Let me speak fully. And when her heart is free from resentment, she herself will stop.
The next step is to try to understand. There is such a thing that both are to blame, that is, no one. It happened. And it is desirable that it does not happen again.
It happens that it is necessary to say about parents. That they are not eternal and you and your sister will be left alone. You need to be close to each other people.
You will understand at what point you need to apologize. At the peak of frankness, say that you involuntarily hurt her. You didn’t want to, you don’t know how it happened, etc.
Say that the grudge against the stone will both of you lie on your heart. Will not give rest. Offer to make peace and be relatives. Repent to each other. Talk that you will respect any opinions and boundaries of each other. No offense.
If possible, agree that you will not make fun of or reproach each other. Remember past grievances.
It will not be superfluous to say that both you and she need mutual moral support. Do not touch the question of the financial side.
How to make peace with a sister if she does not want it
You should not expect, as in a movie, that you immediately rush into each other's arms, etc. Although, this is not excluded. But if this does not happen, so that you do not have disappointment, that the conversation went badly. All in its turn. Everything takes time. How to improve relations with my sister, how to make peace with my sister, if she did not rush into an embrace?
After the conversation, you can go on a joint pastime. Shopping, walk, cinema, attraction, beach. Together, without third or fourth parties.
After the first frank conversation, the precipitate does not completely pass. This happens after the second or third. Communicate further, keep in touch.
Even if similar Once the situation is repeated, one must understand the following. Yes, you have agreed. But in every situation, there are other circumstances. Other factors affecting the act. Other circumstances facilitating, justifying "guilt". Not the ones that were at that time. And each time you will both come to a conclusion. Whatever happens, you didn’t want to offend, quarrel, etc.
You can take a small gift or a small bouquet of flowers. Most likely, immediately the sister will refuse. But at the end of the conversation he can change his mind and take it.
One way or another, native people always need support from each other. And still, relations with such a diligent approach will improve. Or with patience, waiting for time.
What sisters from the family hierarchy most often turn to a therapist?
This happens in different ways, but the fact is that the problem of family relations very often appears during therapy, although it does not always come to the surface early. Women usually think that their difficulties arise from relationships with their parents. Only when they, together with a specialist, begin to delve into the topic, it often turns out that the problem really concerns contacts with the sister.
Conflicts of Adult Sisters
Why do contacts between sisters break?
This is usually frustrated. Contact breaking often occurs when one sister feels used by another. And instead of restoring relations, she prefers to establish walls. Sometimes because she must protect herself, and sometimes because she cannot communicate confidently, hesitates between avoidance and aggression.
It happens someone says: "I love my sister because she is my sister, but I really don't like her." What does it mean? Behind this “dislike” is often some kind of anger or jealousy.
For example, this is an insult that the sister lives better, because her parents encouraged her all her life, bought her an apartment, and the second sister will have to rent housing for her own money. Sometimes this is a very subjective feeling. Maybe my sister spends every vacation abroad. This impression already manifested itself in childhood, when the needs of the child were not satisfied.
However not carry a sense of harm over many years. It’s worth asking yourself: “But why don't I like her? What is the reason? Is it true that my parents did not give me anything and everything was only for her? ”
Cause of envy there is financial success of one of the sisters. Or they say "she successfully married, sits at home, and her husband carries her money." It also happens that one of them receives supposedly more care from his parents. Or more love. This reason is the deepest and lasts for all years.
- Dislike, envy. A less successful sister harbors a grudge. Feels injustice in relation to himself.
- And here you need the help of a specialist. Because the offended person can prove something for the sake of something can go to many bad deeds. Even smash your sister's family. Since she has a goal: to surpass, show her importance.
- Envy can also occur if one of you looks prettier. Enjoys more success on the part of men.
- A possible reason is that someone is doing well with her husband. And the second and husband do not. All some kind of communication is short-term.
Quarrels of sisters in the family
What to do if you have such a relationship when your sister can substitute not a shoulder, but a bandwagon?
When girls grow up, their quarrels can be labed with the help of parents. Which persuade them. They explain that “it’s not possible, you’re sisters” or “not like an adult, ugly”, etc. Such phrases at the end of the conversation as “well, forgive each other” helped. When girls get older, they have conflicts because of boys, friends, hobbies, clothing style.
And at an older age, they are already women, they may have minor problems. But this little disagreement can break their long-term relationship. “How to establish relations with my sister, how to make peace with my sister” - you ask. Why so?
When native peopleclose to each other, then every day they have the opportunity to express emotions. They often allow themselves to express what they think. If this is an older sister, then she wants to dominate. And the youngest does not want to yield in any way in this dominant.
Envy happens due to the presence of children or their absence. Because of their number in one and the other. Even you have boys or girls, or heterosexual children.
Big role plays the presence of a father or stepfather in children. Or a sister brings up and work herself, and your husband brings money to you. Feeds, dresses you and children. You have the opportunity to help your parents, and your sister is in poverty.
There are fears and grievances not expressed in childhood. Hidden in themselves. They leave a mark on relationships for years to come. Remember the advice of psychologists. When they advise not to keep feelings and emotions in oneself. Since then it causes muscle cramps, mental disorders and many disorders.
Conflict Sisters Psychotherapy
What to do to restore relations with my sister?
I always advise my patients to look at nursing relationships, "matured", that is, not as an offended girl, but as a mature woman - from the outside. Sometimes I take two cards, put them on the ground and say: “stand on a sheet with the name of your sister and for a moment feel what it is like to be her. You will see the world and yourself with different eyes. ” This trivial task greatly develops empathy, broadens one’s horizons, ”says the therapist.
How to establish relations with a sister, how to make peace with a sister - this issue is in most cases solved.
It is worth considering how a sister can feel in different situations, how she can perceive these relationships. Maybe she is callous and doesn’t want to help me, because when she was a child, she should have looked after me while her friends could have fun? Or maybe my little sister does not want to listen to my advice, because she always heard that I am older and wiser?
Start with yourself. Think about what is the main issue with your sister. When did I first dislike her? Maybe someone reluctantly contributed to this? Why is my sister annoying me? It is not easy, but very necessary. Just like trying to understand the emotions of the other side.
Can outsiders help restore sisters' relationships?
Observers from the outside notice what is happening here and now, evaluate the current behavior of the sisters. The problem is that related conflicts often develop from the makings of the past. It would seem that trivial things resemble old mistakes.
For example,annoyance of sister buying a new dresscan say that she always had all the best. Other observers will not be able to catch it.. They will need a moment of self-reflection, h
Six Steps to Reconciliation
Communication with your sister can be a real test if resentment is deeply rooted in the heart. It happens that a sister does not even want to talk, refuses to discuss problems. What to do when it seems that the relationship has come to a standstill? It is so hard for some sisters to communicate that they prefer to avoid each other. Is this a way out? The following six steps will help not only make peace with your sister, but also identify pitfalls that interfere with healthy communication.
The farther - the dearer
When relationships come to a standstill, all attempts to reconcile only exacerbate the problem. In order to achieve a breakthrough in relations, to lead them out of the crisis, you need to take a break. No wonder they say that distance strengthens relationships. Avoiding communication for a while, you can rethink the situation, look at it from a different angle.
The paintings of some artists can not be seen close. At close range they seem pointless. To see the plot as a whole, you need to move away. So with loved ones. When emotions rage, scandals happen one after another, it is difficult to look at what is happening objectively. Perhaps it is worth temporarily stopping close communication and rethinking everything.
How to understand that you need a break in a relationship?
- Does any conversation that does not even portend disagreement end in a quarrel?
- Do you think about stopping communication forever, considering that this is the only way out?
- Does it seem to you that the sister’s bad character and her incorrigible are to blame?
A pause in communication will help to overestimate negative attitudes. What can you think about during a pause? How to use a break in a relationship to build, not destroy?
Love and hate!
Problems between siblings begin in childhood, before the realization of what exactly is happening. Therefore, the true causes of misunderstanding may not be visible.
People tend to look for external explanations for problems, but a breakdown in relationships with loved ones begins in the heart.
How to recognize the hidden hostility in yourself?
- Does it seem to you that you are better, more successful, more talented than your sister, so she envies you?
- Do you think that in some ways she is superior to you, in her words and actions she is trying to show her superiority?
- Do you continue to mentally quarrel with your sister, even when the conversation is over and the issue is resolved?
If latent hatred for each other has settled in the hearts of the sisters, simple conversations will not help. It may seem to each of the little sisters that she is doing her best, but the other does not want it, does nothing to make the world. It is, first of all, to understand yourself. The reason for the hidden resentment and anger is often not the sister herself, but the relationship with her parents in early childhood.
This happens if the father and mother did not get along very well and transferred their conflicts to the children. Some of the sisters could be punished more often, moreover, undeservedly. Someone was a calmer child, so I heard more words of approval and praise. It is worth considering whether the quarrels are really due to pressing problems, or are these echoes of children's insults? Perhaps the true cause of disappointment is not the sister, but the parents. In this case, the relationship will not be possible to establish without understanding your childhood memories.
Out of an elephant fly
The next step that needs to be taken to build relationships is to learn to see not a com problems, but each disagreement separately.
How to understand the essence of the problem?
- What exactly is the reason for the conflict?
- Is the subject of dispute really important to continue to insist on yours?
- Did she really say, or did something offensive, or am I looking for hidden meaning in her behavior?
- What is more important for me, to prove my case, or to achieve peace?
Honest answers to these questions can be sobering. Most disagreements do not come about because of important things, but over little things. If in time to give up on the brakes and yield in an unprincipled matter, scandal can be avoided.
Memories bring together
No matter how conflicting the relationship between siblings may be, they are always drawn to each other. There is an irresistible connection between them. Why it happens? The reason is in the past. Sisters have a lot in common. Memories of childhood pranks, youthful adventures, early love will help set your heart in a positive mood and make peace with your sister.
What memories bring together?
- What did the good sister do for me in the past? She listened and supported me, or maybe she was nearby in difficult times, or helped take care of my children? Did I thank her for that?
- What help and support did I give my sister? Do I regret the good that I did for her?
- How would my life have changed if I had no sister at all? Would I like that?
Who should apologize - she or me?
Apologizing is not as easy as it sounds. Apologizing means admitting guilt. Moreover, not all people can accept apologies. Someone perceives the apology as the defeat of the opponent and the conflict only escalates. It is important not only to apologize correctly, but also to accept mercifully apologies.
Apologies are not a panacea for all ills. If someone asks for forgiveness, this does not mean that the situation will not happen again. You should not expect a miraculous rebirth either from yourself or from your sister.
What thoughts make it difficult to apologize?
- She is to blame too!
- Would my sister speculate with my guilt?
- She started a quarrel - let her first apologize!
- I told her the truth, why should I apologize?
All this is a defensive reaction. We can hardly stand the feeling of guilt, we consider it a kind of sentence to ourselves.
In fact, the awareness of one’s mistakes is a step up, or a brick for building relationships. Do not be afraid of your mistakes. It is important to see your shortcomings and modestly apologize for them.
How to apologize properly?
- Even if you think you are right, ask for forgiveness for hurting her feelings. Deliberately or not, you really did it.
- Whatever your intentions, a quarrel has occurred and you have contributed to this. Sorry for not holding back.
- If you are sure that she doesn’t understand you at all, think about it, perhaps she thinks the same! Ask for forgiveness for not understanding her.
To apologize to your sister, you need humility. Humility seems to some to be weakness. In fact, only a self-confident person is able to admit his mistakes and correct them. When a problem arises between sisters, it is safe to say that both are responsible for the quarrel. Learn to apologize - it will help to establish a warm relationship!
Joint rest - entertainment, or test?
Joint rest can bring together, and can be a real test. It all depends on the mood and on what we focus our attention on. Before resting with my sister, it’s good to think not about problems in the relationship, but about the good things that are in her.
It is also better to think through communication. What questions can she ask to direct the conversation in a positive direction, and which ones are better not to touch? During joint rest, it is important to show care and generosity. Here disinterestedness plays a key role. Generosity should not become an occasion for reproaches and claims - this will destroy the relationship. If you think "you are to me, and I am to you," the relationship will never become friendly. Someone will always think that he is trying harder and sacrificing more. At the same time, it is equally important to be able to take care in return. The desire to be selfless can develop into adherence and be perceived by the sister as hostility. Yes, it is not worth demanding something, but with gratitude, taking care is possible, and even necessary!
What to do to bring rest closer?
- What kind of vacation do both of us enjoy?
- When was the last time I took the initiative to relax with my sister?
- Do I make conversations about my problems, work, and our relationships during my vacation?
- What can I talk with my sister about so that it is pleasant to her?
- How will I react if she says something that is at variance with my views?
- Am I ready to do what I like during the holidays, spend money and time on her?
- Do I let her take care of me, spend money, effort and time on me?
Who envy whom?
Sisters may feel as if a wall of black envy is standing between them. Is it so? Who is to blame? A feeling of envy, or a suspicion that envy is poisoning your relationship. Envy is like toxins in pure spring water. Its consequences are fatal. It hurts hurts, deprives of objectivity, prevents goodwill. Usually the sisters' jealousy is mutual. How to understand that it is envy that prevents reconciliation?
Where does envy come from?
- Have parents praised any of us more?
- Отличаемся ли мы с сестрой настолько, что каждая обладает достоинствами, которые напрочь отсутствуют у другой?
Если, будучи малышками, сёстры вынуждены были конкурировать за внимание и любовь родителей, то, вырастая, они продолжают соперничать, сравнивая свои успехи во взрослой жизни. Важно понимать, что зависть в отношениях сестёр появилась не по их вине. The reason is rooted in the unbalanced approach of parents! It is the responsibility of parents that their children are forced to envy each other and compare their successes. The past cannot be corrected. You can change the present.
How to stop competing?
- Take a piece of paper and write in separate columns your and her strengths. Think about the resulting list - is it really that each of you is not beautiful in its own way?
- Hang the list in a prominent place and reread it when you feel that you are superior in something to your sister, or, on the contrary, she is superior to you.
Older and younger
Reconciling with a sister can be hindered by the attitude to oneself that developed in girls in childhood. The oldest and youngest children are raised in different ways. This affects relationships throughout life. What problems can an older and younger sister have in relation to parenting?
What if the sister is younger?
- Do I think that she quarrels with me because she is spoiled and indulged more in childhood? If you continue to cling to old biases, this will interfere with improving relationships.
- Does it seem to me that she is more fortunate in life because her parents loved her more? If so, try a sober look at your circumstances. Surely both you and she have light and dark stripes on the path of life. The fact that she is the youngest does not make her more successful and happy. When such thoughts arise, drive them away.
What if my sister is older?
- Do you perceive her success in communicating with other people, in family life, or in her career, as her defeat? Sister is not a competitor to you! Usually parents put a lot of responsibility on the older child. If you are the youngest, this could unwittingly develop in you a sense of your own bankruptcy, lack of fun. You have your own successes, and she has her own. Rejoice in them together!
- Do you consider her interests limited? Even a slight age difference affects interests and development. Although you are relatives, you have nevertheless formed in a different environment. Each of you is interested in something that is completely not interesting to the other. The youngest child may gravitate toward intellectual pursuits, while the older child may be carried away by domestic issues. These are also the consequences of education. Often, the older child is more loaded with deeds, and the youngest tend to develop intellectually. Use your strengths to support your sister.
A healthy, adult look at relationships will help reconcile with a sister. Most of the negative emotions, unpleasant words and actions of sisters are related to parenting. It is time to leave these experiences in childhood and look at the relationship with new eyes. Then communication with the sister will turn into a source of joy and support!